Memory Visit

Dad, Sarah, and I spend the weekend in Oklahoma. Yesterday was Dad's birthday and he planned something for the entire family to enjoy.

We left Grandparents' house early on Friday morning and drove to Stillwater, Oklahoma, where Mom spend her undergrad years there. After eating lunch at Red Lobster, Dad took me around town. We took what he called a "memory visit" and went around the places that Mom loved, that Dad and Mom went and enjoyed the nice weather in Stillwater.

We ate Dinner at one of Mom's favorite place, Eskimo Joe's and walked around downtown Stillwater. Dad told me things about Mom that I never knew before. He told me about Mom's college days, he told me about Mom's love for OSU football and her love for her major and the people around her. Dad even told me how he and Mom met. About their first date and their first OSU football game.

We spend rest of the night and morning in our hotel room. (Which I must say that I am extremely impressed with Best Western. Our room was accessible, had a roll-in shower, lowered vanity areas and toilet. It doesn't get anymore accessible than this) Dad slept for most of the time, I think he just needed to catch up on his sleep from all the missions and the miles we covered within these few days.

Yesterday we ate small breakfast in the hotel and spend time in the pool area. I think Sarah loves the water as much as Mom does. We dropped off Sarah at one of Dad's friend's house and drove to Boone Pickens Stadium, where we met a few of Mom and Dad's friends for a tailgate party. Yesterday was the big game, OSU vs. Oklahoma and trust me, the tailgate party doesn't get any better than that.

We had a great time. Mom's friends talked about Mom as if she was their own sister. We ate, drink, and celebrated life. We celebrated the game and at the same time, celebrate Dad's birthday and the memory of Mom.

We didn't get back to our room until late. I helped Dad get a new plan with Verizon and canceled the phone plan he had with Mom. I think even though Dad seems excited about his new Blackberry Bold 9650, he was sad and hesitant of taking this step. The step of canceling something that Mom had. I think we were both hesitant but it's just another step in our lives. And we're taking it very slowly.

We drove home early this morning then got a bunch of baby proof items to baby proof the house. Sarah's getting active, wanting to walk everywhere herself so I think it's that time we actually baby proof the house.

Truth be told, I haven't heard Dad talk this much in a long time.
It was a good weekend.

Happy Birthday Dad
and thank you, Mama.

Enjoy this week's Weekly Tunes:
Forever by John Michael Montgomery

Friday Before Father's Day: Missing My Parents

Today, on the way to class, I saw a Dad and his daughter walking down the street. When I turned around again, the daughter and father were happily skipping down the street. You read me right, they were skipping down the street. I personally believe that it takes more than courage for a 40+ year old grown man to be skipping down the street in his suit, wearing a smile and sharing a laugh with his daughter like nothing else matters in the world.

That is one of those moments in life where you can't help but smile. It's more than just a Kodak moment, it was a "wow" moment. And sitting in my car just a few feet away, I smiled and thought about Dad. I'm not sure why I thought of Dad. Maybe because Father's Day is just around the corner and Dad's somewhere in the world protection one of the things that matters the most to him: Freedom. Maybe in the mist of all the stress and things going on in our lives, I'd like to have my Dad home for awhile, a long while. Maybe, I just envy that girl that I saw on the street today, hanging out with her Dad. Maybe, I'm missing Dad more than usual this Father's Day, because this is the first Father's Day without Mom and with Sarah. Maybe I am sick of not having Dad home on Father's Day, a lot of maybes but I just am not sure what is the true reason.

But I thought about Dad more than I ever did ever before.

Every military brat in the world knows that feeling when a parent isn't home for some kind of a celebration, whether it's a birthday, holiday, graduation, or just a simple need-a-parent moment. Somehow, we get used to it and when other people ask us how we do it, we answer with "just do" but there always is something in the back of our minds wishing and hoping that our parent would be home for any occasion, even if it's not a holiday.

When I was younger, my Dad was my idol. I wanted to be just like him and everything he does, I wanted to do also. If Dad's getting ready for work, I'd pretend I'm getting ready for work. If Dad is shaving in the bathroom, I'd pretend I'm shaving also. If Dad's drinking coffee, I'd ask Mom for a cup of coffee. I wanted to have the same food on my plate as Dad does. Everything Dad does I wanted to do because truly I wanted to be just like him.

I can remember the first day Dad sat me down trying to explain to me what a deployment is. As you can probably guess it, I was lost as ever, asking things like, "Will you be home for dinner?" and "You'll be at my T-Ball game, right?" And I think after a few weeks of Dad not at the dinner table, I slowly realized what was happening. Very slowly though, I can still hear myself asking Mom if Dad didn't love us no more and that why he left us all by ourselves. (I'm pretty sure I made Mom cried that day) And I can still remember when Dad popped up on the computer screen telling me to be a good boy and that he still loves Mom and me and that he'll be home as soon as "the bad guys went away" and like that, slowly I was okay with Dad being gone. Because I can be the man of the house and plus, Dad is making sure the "bad guys goes away."

Years ago when Dad decided to take on his current job, he took me out on a fishing trip and told me his reason to do what he's about to do. He told me that if he got this job, he will be gone more often but gone for shorter amounts of time. He told me that he can be gone without letting us know and most of the time, he can't tell us where he's going or when he's coming back. "It'll be like a big game of secret, son." he told me, "and I hope you get better with secrets, because you never have growing up." and I smiled, it was true, I don't do well with secrets growing up but now, bits older, I know that with the Army, "secrets" or OPSEC is something that is extremely important. I told Dad I support him and I hope he gets this job. "I hope so, son, I sure hope so."

When Dad did get the job, we went out for a huge dinner and celebrated like there's no tomorrow. We laughed and smiled and though in the back of our minds we know how often Dad would be gone and on such short notice, we cherish every single moment with Dad. We made the time count.

Quite frankly, I don't remember the last time Dad was home for Father's Day. It seems like for years we either celebrate Father's Day early or late. I truly don't remember the last time Dad was home on Father's Day. And I think some time during the years growing up, I'm okay with it. I'm fine with Dad missing out on the birthdays, the celebrations, the holidays, and more. Or I think I'm fine with it, most of the time.

When I got to class, someone I didn't know told me, "Happy Father's Day, Matt" and I sat in my chair wondering why she said that to me. In her own way she was acknowledging the things I do for Sarah is not just as a brother but as a father. But unintentionally, she made me wish she never have said that. Because truly, I do not want Sarah growing up with me acting as her brother, her Mom, and her Dad. Don't get me wrong, I love being Sarah's brother and I will do anything for her. And I know what I must do for Sarah now that Mom is in Heaven. But I truly wish that I won't be Sarah's brother and parents at the same time. Because I know how much Sarah will hurt because of that in the future. Some things are inevitable and I hope this isn't one of 'em.

Guess I'm just missing my parents this Friday before Father's Day.

Love you, Dad, please be safe wherever you are and come home soon.

Love you, Mama, and miss you so much. Sarah's growing up so fast. You'd be so proud of her.

The Tears Behind the Smile

I, am messed up. I can't think straight and I can't see straight. It's hard for me to find the motivation to do homework/assignments. I am messed up.

It took me months to finally admit that out loud, that I am truly messed up and I am truly not okay. And it took me even more time to finally decide go to talk to the school counselor. Thinking and hoping that they know the people that can help me. Because really, I am messed up.

I talked to the counselor for hours. I cried when I told her about Dad and I bawled when I told her about Mom and Sarah. She didn't say much, though, and parts of me felt like I wasted my time because the things she said, you can probably read it on one of those For Dummies book. She said that eventually, I'll come to accept the fact that Mom is no longer with us. Eventually she said and ya...eventually.

I wonder when that'll be.

Last night, I had a long talk over Skype with Ashlet, good friend of mine living in Hawaii. I didn't tell her everything that's going on in my heart but I broke down in front of her. I cried and sobbed because I missed Mom and the thought of "this just ain't fair" ran through my mind over and over again.

I told her my busy schedule of taking care of Sarah, high school, and college classes. I told her how lost I am in the world and wish that someone would just tell me what to do so I wouldn't have to think about it. I told her the frustration I have trying to decide whether or not Oatmeal Cereal or Rice Cereal is best for Sarah. I told her one of many reasons I can't go live with my Grandparents is because I am not ready. I am not ready to see where Mom lays every time I get back on the Ranch. Maybe in the future I will be able to but right now, I can't. I am not ready. I am not ready because my mind is still playing a trick on me, constantly.

There are just too many decisions I must make within the next couple months that are going to impact me for the rest of my life. And truly I don't know what to do. I got accepted to Kentucky, Ohio State, Texas A&M, and Florida. But as I read 'em acceptance letters, I hurt. I hurt because Mom isn't here sitting next to me reading the letters with me. I hurt because she isn't squeezing me tight in her bear hug as she tell me how proud she is of me. I hurt because I got into the schools I wanted to play football for. I hurt because I don't know what to do.

Even after the amount of times I called Sarah a whiny little $*%#^ I love her. I love her because she is my sister. I love her because she is part of Mom. And that is all I have left of Mom right now. I love her so much I do not want to ever leave her behind. Everything I do now is because of her and for her. And if Dad was here, I would be doing the same for Dad too. Because I do NOT want 'em to feel alone nor do I want to leave 'em behind. Ever.

Graduation is less than a month away. I already have college acceptance letters waiting for me. And I don't even know which schools I want to go to or if I should go to college. Going to college was a huge dream of mine. To be on my own would be amazing. To be dependent on my own and maybe Dosh would be freaking awesome. And my parents would agree, they wanted to kick me out as soon as possible.

But we never thought Mom would get sick. She did and now she's gone. That plan is different now. Leaving for college is different now. With Dad gone a lot of the times, Sarah would be alone. And when Dad is home, they would be alone, trying to fight through the days without Mom. Going to college is different now. I can't just leave for college without thinking about Sarah and Dad. People tell me there's relatives, my Grandparents, or even friends that would be there for Dad and Sarah when I'm gone. True but they don't live the life. They hear about it and feel for us. We are feeling it.

I am an Army Brat, I was taught at a young age to never leave anyone behind. I can still remember running laps with one of my classmates because he was the last one finishing up the mile. I ran with him even though people voiced their opinions. I did it because I don't leave anyone behind. And I am not about to leave anyone behind now. Especially not Dad or Sarah.

And going away to college, to me, is leaving Sarah and Dad behind. It's not the same when I can only visit 'em whenever I have break. And I know I will not be able to focus on schools miles away thinking about Dad and Sarah. I do not want to fail out of college nor do I want it on my record.

Going to live with a relative or Grandparents would mean leaving Dad behind. It'll mean that when Dad gets home from work, the house would be empty. It would mean that he would be living on his own or who knows, maybe he'll go back to the barracks. Dad is already dealing with work and the loss of his best friend, I don't think leaving him alone would be such a good idea. At all.

So you see, I don't know about college. I don't knwo what I'm doing to do, and truly, I can't even see straight or think straight. I just want Dad and Sarah to be okay and I sure as hell is going to do whatever I can to make sure they will be okay or at least have someone there for 'em when they are not.

I am in the middle of making one of the biggest decision in my life. Inside me I am FUBAR but I put on a smile for my friends and those that run into me. Inside though, that's a whole different story.

I love you Mama and we miss you terribly.
I love you Dad, please take care of yourself at work and come home soon.
I love you Sarah, even if all you do is cry, sleep, eat, and poop.

Follows Us Like a Well-trained Animal

Mom liked Army Wives.

I never really understood the reason why she liked this show and watch it weekly but she would always tell me that it's the "drama and the crazy life that Hollywood thinks we're living" Guess she likes that side of Hollywood.

Yesterday was the season premiere of Army Wives and early in the afternoon, I went to the living room to set the DVR. Dad didn't say a word as I set up the DVR to record the entire season. We just kind of stood there in silence for a couple minutes before Dad said, "Your Mom would like that."

"I know she would, Dad." I told him.

There's an elephant in the room. And its name is Death. This elephant follows us around constantly like a well-trained animal. But we don't want this animal here, we just want to be left alone.

So last night, even with the recorder on, Dad and I sat down to watch Army Wives on Lifetime. We have two couches but for some reason, Dad and I sat on the same one. We sat on neither side of the couch and left the middle seat empty. I don't know why we did that but I guess we left the middle seat for Mom. Maybe she's was with us yesterday. Or maybe we were just hoping she would come rushing into the door at any minute, jump on the couch and yell, "GO BACK TO THE BEGINNING, RIGHT NOW!"

But we both knew Mama wouldn't come. Even if she did came, we couldn't see or feel her.

We sat there for the hour, didn't say a word and just watched the season premiere. In my head I could hear Mom's tears from watching this show. I could hear her gasping at the drama. I could hear her squealing at how "cute" some of these soldiers are. But I didn't want to hear 'em in my head. For once, I miss Mom's commentary when we watch Army Wives together. I miss the "oh my, cover my eyes, quick" or the "ohhh they're getting it on, man I wish your Dad was home." or even the "Pamla is so cute!" and other commentaries. I miss the quick and sudden squeeze that Mom gives me during the show and yes, I miss the squeals she makes when she watches this show.

I miss a lot of things right now. And wouldn't if Mama was here.

After the show, Dad turned the TV off and stood up. Said he's going out back for a smoke and well, went to cry in the backyard. Dosh and I went into my room as Dad sat out in the back and cried for nearly two hours. We sat in the silence house and heard the tears drop from a grown man's face. I wanted to be there for Dad and even if we sat there in silence, I wanted to make sure he knows I was there.

But instead, he screamed at me with his Army voice, "DIDN'T I TELL YOU I WAS SMOKING?! GET BACK IN SIDE AND WATCH SARAH." and well, I obeyed. I obeyed because I knew that was an order. I obeyed because I was scared. Scared not of Dad's voice but scared of losing him to grief.

Mama, please tell Dad it's going to be ok. Somehow.

It was a weird day yesterday. The elephant in the room seem to have got bigger and just pinned Dad and I to our separate corners. It was a weird Sunday and I'm sure there'll be more days like this. And it's these kind of days that cut into our hearts like no other.

I recorded yesterday's episode for you Mama. I'll visit in a couple days, this 3-day weekend. We can watch Army Wives together then I'll tell you all about Prom, Mama, and about school, classes, Sarah, Nicole, Dad, and everything else you'd like to know. I'm sure you'd like that. I miss you, Mama, I love you and I'll see you soon.

Are you okay?

First off, thank you for everyone's comments and support you guys are giving me. A lot of people have read my last blog and been asking me if I'm doing ok or if I'm alright. And well...here's your answer...

On the way home from the Commissary, the radio played Darryl Worley's I Miss My Friend. Midway through his sentence, Dad stopped talking and never continued.

I may have said before that we needed to "get away" from the Ranch and from all of the current events but there are just things that we CANNOT avoid. There are just things that we're not used to yet (and I wonder if we'll ever get use to it) And there are even things that we just don't know HOW to move on without Mom.

Things like:

• Going to the PX/Commissary without Mom.
  
• Prepping or even having dinner at home.
  
• Setting one less plate when we do eat at home.
  
• Selling Mom's car
  
• Turning off Mom's phone
  
• Resetting the answering machine
  

and so much more...

Even though we know one day we have to move on with our lives, right now, we can't. (Or maybe we can never move on) Right now, Mom's voice on the answering machine warms (and at the same time breaks) our hearts. Right now, Mom's car in the driveway somehow reassures us that Mom's just away for a business trip and shall return soon. I don't know why Dad and I keep fooling ourselves like this but maybe this is our way of dealing (or rather not dealing) with everything. Things truly aren't the same without Mom, our eating habits are different, our breathing habits are different. WE are different. Mom was the backbone of this family and now without her, Dad and I are just trying to form something out of our gelatin body but can't. We simply can't. Mom seems to be the person that kept Dad and I sane. And now we're just trying to look as sane as possible. So the world will believe we're sane. So our friends and family will believe we're doing alright. So we can fool ourselves and telling ourselves that it's alright. But it's not alright. Mom dying is not alright. Dad and I aren't alright (but we sure do a good job pretending we are) We miss you, Mama. Teach us how to be right again. Edit: Let it be known that it was extremely difficult for me to write this. I don't usually admit that I'm not doing alright. In fact, this is the first time I've say that I'm not alright. Trust me, this never happens.

I Need a Freaking Smoke

I think it's hilarious, even at this time of the day, Dad find the way to smoke me out. And I don't even know where in the world he's at. Really, what the hell?!

Within this week or the next, Mom will have the baby and really they still don't know what to name it and I, again, have to lay here listening to Mom going through the list like different color paint swatches. If you've been reading, you know I'm sick, I'm laying in the hospital bed, bored, sick, fever, and so on.

And as if I can't feel any worse, got an one minute call from Dad. And like the Dad he is, he smoked me out. Not really sure for what because I was half out of it so I just answered "Yes, sir" throughout the phone. I think it was something about being sick and not watching out for myself and Mom. I don't know, don't really remember what he was talking about.

Anyways, I think in ways it's funny. My Dad, a SNCO whose been in the Army for years can smoke me out even when I don't know where he's at. Even when he probably can't get to a phone, he still somehow get one just to smoke me out. Even if it's for a minute.

Not sure how I feel about that but I guess like my Grandpa say it, "They yell and scream because they love you."

Guess he loves me. I love you too Dad. (Wonder if I can yell at him? Oh I wouldn't dare, haha) Boy, I can use a smoke right now.

Right now, for those who are wondering, I'm still out of it. But well enough to be awake, half out of it, talking to a friend on IM while watching Bones with her on Hulu. And well type this blog. So really thank you to everyone who have been wondering how I'm doing. I'm alive and out of it but hey, that's me, ain't it :P

Just hope I can get home soon!
Thanks again everyone. Hopefully Dad wouldn't smoke me out any time soon.

Naive. Sick. Thinking.

Right now, I can't sleep. I got this horrible fever that I can't break nor can I breathe without this oxygen mask on me. I haven't been feeling well at all, even with the amount of time I spend sleeping these days. Whatever it is I have...horrible and I'm sick of it. This is one of many reason I why I hate being sick. It gives me too much time to sick or lay here just thinking and not doing anything. Which in ways, it's horrible.

I've been thinking a lot about Dad and Sean lately. Dad still isn't back yet and Mom's due soon and geeze I get sick at the worse time, ever.

I remember when Sean was getting treatment, I would sit by his bed (or on his bed) and some times, I would watch him sleep. I'd wonder if the poison that was dripping into his veins would do the trick, wondering if anything was growing in his brain. I remember wondering if my Aunt and Uncle would have to bury Sean, I remember thanking God for Sean and everyone in the family and wonder if all this he's doing is all part of his plan. Sean's always been a smart one. I remember when we had his latest MRI, he was sitting in his room and he told me, "It's back Cousin Matty. In my head, it's back!" and I remember telling him don't be silly and everything will be ok. Now I'm wondering if he knew it all along, he sure is a smart man.

At times, I wonder if I can just take Sean and run away. Hoping that the tumor and sickness won't hurt him anymore. Silly of me I guess. Within just 2 weeks, what was a small tumor the size of a nail turned into a tumors and sizes of a dollar and spreading like a germ and wildfire. It all seem like yesterday. Seems like yesterday he was just sitting in my lap, smiling and joking around. Seems like yesterday he took his last step, held his blankie, ate on his own, talked, and so much more. Really all seem like yesterday...I remember all the emotion that everyone in the family was feeling, that sadness, that pain, and so much more. We're all expected him to go to Heaven soon but that fear just scare the hell out of you. The fear I see when I saw him taking his last breath, his last heartbeat.

I remember reading somewhere that every day, 6 families will see their love ones leaving for Heaven. I remember thinking that can never be us, at least not this early.

I can be really naive sometimes.

I remember saying to myself that 45,000 troops is what Mr. President will go with. I remember yelling at the TV saying 45,000 troops. Then I realize people don't even know what really is going on. People hear about the troops and units being send overseas constantly but people don't really hear or think about those who deploy without us even knowing it. I've been ask before what my Dad does and I just told 'em "He's Army" and move on. I don't think people realize not everything in the Army is out in the open. And even when they hear about the 45,000 troops that will be needed for Afghanistan, they don't know or don't think about the people already there or in other parts of the world. I don't think people know what to ay when you tell 'em that your Dad isn't part of the usual group of Army. They tend to say "cool" and "sweet" and nothing more. Because they don't know what to say. Ya it's cool sometimes but really...it's more than being cool.

Sometimes, it's about staying up late or waking up early with nightmares wondering where Dad is, if he's okay, safe, and when he'll be coming home. The nerve of him being here one day smoking your butt out and the next he can be anywhere else in the word. And it tends to happen when I got nothing to do, when there's less things to worry about or more time to wonder about things like that.

I'm sick really sick and not sure when I'll get better. Soon I hope, really, so I don't have to have time to think about the stupid things. So I can have more time taking care of Mom and the new baby, so I'm not laying in the hospital bed wondering and thinking about the unthinkable.

God I can use a drink right now or at least a smoke.

Life is full of surprises

It's hard to believe that soon, I'll be a senior. Hard to believe, I'm actually technically legal. It felt like years ago, I was just some five year old kid looking to pick a fight with anyone (or even better a game of pretend war with my rifle that makes shooting noises when you pull the trigger)

Damn time goes by fast.

But really since when have I not sleep for 3 days and still function like I slept for days. My guess is probably the recent activities and along with the Mother's Day excitement, I haven't really been affected by such no sleep activities. That, or, it'll catch up with me soon.

So let's catch up with recent activities:

I even forgot how many days ago when my Mom told me that my 5 year old cousin, Sean, would be staying with us until his Dad comes home. Now Sean is what I call the Double Brat, meaning, both of his parents are in the military. And with his Dad deployed and Mom soon to be, my Mom's idea to bring the family closer to each other. I had no objection to how long he'll be staying since we're pretty close. So, couple weekends ago, Mom and I went to pick up Sean.

Was I in for a surprise and I'm sure Mom was when Aunt Becca told us the news about Sean. Long story short, a couple months ago, Sean was diagnosed with brain cancer. And he still acts like he's on top of the world. After a long goodbye we drove back home and all Sean could talk about are how hungry he is for fries. Boy...got to love the innocent mind.

Really, with that news, I don't know what to think. But thinking back to when I first receive the bad news, I turn out alright. I might not have cancer, but really, I turn out alright. And looking at Sean, I know he'll be fine.

Which got me curious to know more about cancer. One night, while Sean passed out watching Wiggles, I read all I can and know somewhat little about Sean's condition and what to expect. Now, little things he does and say still catches me off guard.

Beyond that, I had to get ready for Mother's Day. Before Dad's deployment, all I had planned was for my parents to go out for a day and relax. But with Dad's deployment and Sean's stay I came up with something fast. After making breakfast for her and after Sunday Mass, I drop Mom off of this Day Spa and brought Sean out to the mall for some fun. Dinner went great and the food was amazing, and no, I didn't cook, we went out.

After getting home and we were just about to start a movie, the phone rang and extremely surprisingly, it was Dad. I knew the time limit he might have so I hand the phone right over to Mom.

For some reason, I got a feeling Dad actually made her Mother's Day that much better. Damn it Dad, always want to be a step better than me. Just kidding, of course, I love you Dad, thanks for calling it was good to hear your voice again.

Well now after AP testings and with finals and the move on their way it seems as if nothing have stopped moving. Between taking care of Sean, homework, studying, and packing, I guess I just haven't find time to sleep.

Maybe I'll crash soon. Just hope it's not during the finals...

I'm finally home

After being in the hospital for more than two weeks, I’m finally home. I can’t believe how much I miss the house, the food, my dog, and even small things like my desk and bed. It’s good to be home. Good thing I never pack heavy. Because by the time I got home, boy, was I out of it and had no intentions of cleaning up what I brought with me to the hospital.

Ever since I was a kid, I knew how to pack and I knew how to pack well. With us moving all the time, I had to learn quickly what we need and what we can carry compare to what I want and what I want to carry. And after I got hurt, with the many hospital and rehab stays, I’ve learned to pack even lighter. Meaning, pack only the essentials. So, early this morning, I got back in my chair (with no help or anyone watching over me, awesome, I’m starting to go back to my old self) and started packing.

Like I said, I packed light. All I had was some toiletries, clothes, my laptop, a couple get-well cards from my friends, and of course, homework. I think I was gone packing hours before Mom said she was going to pick me up, around her lunchtime. So I just sat in my chair, talked to a friend online, reviewed my notes for the upcoming tests, revised my essays and sat waiting, extremely anxious just to get the hell out of the hospital.

Around 1030 this morning, I finally heard what I was waiting for. My nurse came to the door, knocked and asked, “You ready to leave? You know I’m going to miss you.” And with a smile, I turned my chair around was going to say “Ya sure you do.” But I stopped. Someone I didn’t expect was standing right beside the nurse. I didn’t even know, I had no clue.

Dad is home.

Boy if you could see the look on my face, I was surprised and extremely shocked. Dad’s home, wow….Dad’s home.

And for the month he was gone, I wondered where he was. I wondered how he was, what he was doing, how he was doing and so much more. I even wondered if he knew what happened to me and why I had to got this most recent surgery. But when I saw Dad standing at the door of my room, I didn’t care about any of it, he was home and that is the best thing of all.

But whenever Dad comes home from a deployment, there was always an extreme awkwardness between him and me. Someone said it was normal, for how many months he might be gone, not knowing when he will be home, it’s going to be awkward. I try to make the best of the situation and create less of a space between us by filling him in on what has been happening at school, at home, and everything in between. While most of the time I’d start the conversation, I didn’t this time. This time, he did.

“Son, I’m only home for 36 hours, let’s make the best of it.”

And with that said, I didn’t know whether I should fill him in or not. 36 hours only meant this was just a short time to make the best of everything. 36 hours only meant that he was going to leave soon and just another chance for me to wonder when he’ll be home next. So I thought hard about it…whether to fill him in or not. And I had to say something.

“Yes, sir.” I answered him, “I sure will.”

During the short ride from the hospital to Mom’s office, I filled Dad in best I could. I told Dad what was happening at school, what is going to happen soon (i.e prom, AP tests, and such) and what my college plans are. I even had the chance to fill him in on the March Madness he missed. (Months ago Dad and I made a bet. Bet was, if Duke moves onto Final Four this year, I would get Dad’s pay for the month. If they don’t, I was to get at least 3.8 GPA on my second semester report card. Guess Dad knew it all along because Duke lost to Villanova just last night) When he heard that, Dad chuckled and said, “I told you, now remember our deal.” I just nodded, bet was a bet.

There were a few seconds of silence then Dad asked.

“What happened when your mother was on her business trip?”

My mouth glued shut and I felt as if my heart was in my throat. I had planned to tell Dad when he comes home for good, not for 36 hours.

“Son, what happened when your mother was on her business trip?” He asked again then continued. “You know I am going to read about it, hear about it from the MPs and other people anyways, so why not just tell me now. What happened, son?”

I still didn’t know what to answer. I did nothing wrong when Mom left for her business trip a month ago. I didn’t but someone else did, a group of someone else. And right there and then I didn’t want to remember what happened but mostly, I didn’t want to trouble Dad. 36 hours isn’t very long and I didn’t want to trouble him with what happened.

“Son, I am asking you a question.”

So I told him. I told him the incident and about the surgery. I told him everything and left nothing out. I desperately tried to reassure Dad that I was all right and that surgery was over, bed rest was over and everything can go back to like it was before. I am fine now but I guess Dad had something else in mind, a lawsuit.

“I will be talking to your Mom about this.”

This is not how I want Dad to spend his 36 hours home. So I finally said, “Dad, don’t, it’s over now. Just forget it, I’m fine. I haven’t miss anything at school, I’ll do more PT. Dad, you’re home for 36 hours, I don’t want you to leave thinking about this, you don’t need to be thinking of this when you’re gone. Plus…”

I still cannot believe I said that. What happened to me? What happened the me that did not care about anything before? Where did that Matt go? Are those words really coming out of my mouth?

“Plus, it’d be easier on Mom, with you gone and everything. She doesn't need the extra stress.”

I think I surprised Dad also because for a moment, he was lost for words. Then finally, he asked me if I was feeling good enough to go out for lunch or maybe we should just head home. I reassured him I was fine and he told me just before he went to grab mom.

“I will talk to your Mom about this but thank you for your input.”

Now I’m hoping he will actually listen to me this time.

After seeing how surprised Mom was, I don’t think she had any appetite to eat lunch. Still, Dad brought us out to a quick meal of KFC (since Mom had to go back to work). We ate, talked, and for that short lunch period, our family was a family again and it felt amazing. But work is work so we dropped Mom off soon after. Since it is Friday, we all agreed to Family Friday Movie night. But that gave Dad and me more than seven hours to spend together. And we did just that.

After a nice dinner from this sushi place, we went home, sat down, watched a movie. I knew Dad didn’t had a lot of time. I just excused myself from the movie and went back in my room so my parents could have some alone time. They need it and they deserve it.

When you’ve been gone for that long and haven’t slept in your own bed for days. Even the floor in your room can look extremely comfortable. I unpacked few of my few things, got online and told my friends I was home and I’d be back to school on Monday and started writing this. It was an extremely good Friday. Long, but an amazingly good day today, I got out of the hospital and got an awesome surprise.

Dad’s going to be home for awhile, not for good but at least he’s home.
Right now it is 2305 on Friday night, that means Dad’s got just less than 24 hour till he has to go.

I don’t even know why I count the hours. Maybe that way time will slow down, not only for me but for my parents also.

Welcome Home Dad.