Dream that Hurts

It's been a busy week between caring for Sarah, doing school work, physical therapy and of course, studying for the SAT 2 I'm taking in December (Not the entire SAT, oh Lord, no, just taking the two subject tests and what not so I can give the scores to the colleges I applied to- and for the people who are wondering if I submit 'em applications yet, I did, just need to wait till March/April to hear back from 'em)

But I guess busy can be a good thing, maybe, I'm not so sure yet.

Lately, I've been having the same dream and waking up in the morning, I realize some of 'em aren't dreams, some of 'em are just from my past.

Dream started out something like this:

Way before Sarah was born, my parents and I would be sitting at the dinner table, talking about our day, our highs and our lows of the day and everything in between. And out of random, I said out loud, "Mom, Dad, I want to enlist." And remember both of their mouth just froze. After a couple minutes, Dad said, "You're 14, son, let's talk about it later on, shall we? You got at least 3 years to go before I can even think about signing that paper for you."

But for some reason, I didn't want to stop talking about it, I answered, "Well I know Dad I got a few years but I already know what I want to do. Go 11 Bravo and I don't know maybe I'll get to join the Rangers or even SF!"

I remember that sad look on Mom's face but she still said with a smile, "Want to be just like your Daddy, don't you sweetheart?" I answered yes.

Dad said again, "I don't think you are so sure, son. By telling me 'you don't know' I know you're not sure what you want to do. You're 14, really, think about it and we'll talk later on, alright?"

Then time seemed to fast forwarded to when I was 17, I never got hurt, I never went to rehab, and likely, the chair never happened.

"So Dad...can you sign this?"
"This is what you want to do?"
"Yes, sir."
"Go tell your Mom you love her and head to bed, you'll get the paper back in the morning."
"Yes, sir. Goodnight, Dad."
"Night, son."

And before I knew it, I was kissing my Mom goodbye on the way to basic, my Dad never said much but shook my hand and told me to take care of myself and don't be a smart ass. I nodded and went on the bus.

Time fast forward again and I was home on leave after getting assigned to my new duty station, Ft. Campbell. The place reminded me so much of everything, after all, I lived there when I was a kid. All my friends and I hung out, we had fun and of course, I spend the time with my parents and Sarah (who was born when I was in basic)

At the end of the leave, I told 'em I'm getting deployed to AStan, neither of 'em were happy but they said they were proud of me, they told me to keep in touch and keep my head down.

I gave Mom and Sarah a kiss, gave Dad a hug and shook his hand then left the house.

I woke up with some what of a cold sweat and just minutes before my alarm goes off. There were few dreams just like this one but I was at Ft. Sill for AIT. I wouldn't classify this as a nightmare or bad dream, it's a good dream and truly, I'm glad I keep on getting the same dream over and over again.

Only bad thing about it is after I get up, I feel so good about the dream that I physically hurt. Because I know it won't ever happen to me, not in this lifetime. And even if I try to hide the hurt from my family and friends, my parents always seems know what's up. And I think in some ways, they are hurting with me.

I wouldn't change my life for the world but sometimes, you just can't help but wonder.

This week's football schedule/scores:
Winning team is in bold

Virginia Military Institute at Army- 22-17
Michigan at Wisconsin- 45-24

Maryland vs Virginia Tech- 36-9

Stanford at USC- 55-21
Washington at Oregon St- 48-21
Delaware at Navy- 35-18
UMiami at North Carolina- 33-24
Iowa at Ohio St- 27-24 OT
Florida at S. Carolina- 24-14

UNLV at Air Force- 45-17

Texas A&M at Oklahoma- 65-10
Louisiana Tech at LSU- 24-16
Arizona at Cal- 24-16
Alabama at Mississippi St- 31-3

Texas Tech at Oklahoma St- 24-17

Arizona St at Oregon- 44-21

FUBAR

Right now, I'm wondering if this is how Sean felt. I'm wondering if this is how people in the hospital feel as the IVs drips and machine beeping and the nurses constantly checking up on you. Do you not know the meaning of a well deserved rest? No wonder people lose pounds when they're in (and if these nurses are civilians, I'd probably bitch 'em out. Too bad I can't, some of 'em are even Captains, let's not get smoked later on just cause I bitched out an O-3) so instead of getting sleep, I'm getting nurses visit and machine beeping. Really, I'm not dying, I just, want to go home.

There's too many things that need to be taken care of. Things need to be brought before the baby comes and not to mention I need to get use to the accessible crib and so much more. In just a week or two, I'll no longer be an only child. And truth be told, I'm excited for this new life and adventure.

Mom's been talking about names again. She really like the name Sarah (meaning princess) but I told her it's too original. She haven't even got a middle name in mind either. I swear this baby just might be nameless till Dad gets home. (Can they do that?!) Either way, she's ready for the baby to pop out and she's ready to push all the baby chores to me. Guess one thing good is that she won't have these strange cravings at the strangest hours.

Aside from the home events, drama still continues at school. Loads of college applications to finish and homework to do. Though I got to say how great some friends are who decided to stop buy so we can have a study group and college apps party. Never thought senior year could be this crazy...

I do have a request for my readers. Do you guys think it'd be a good idea for me to use one of my blogs as part of the essay? Meaning to just copy and paste it? If so, which one is good? (Just like to take a vote and see what's people's view on it.)

I think when I'm bored and really nothing to do it's when I go through stuff and think and wonder about others. While flipping through some of my stuff on the computer, I discovered poems I made just out of random. They're mostly (or I think all of 'em are) military related. Reading all of 'em back to myself, I'm starting to wonder if I should publish it or something. I mean, it's be cool.

There's just so much going through my mind right now it's not even funny. School, college, Sean, Dad, Mom, the baby, Dosh, Airborne, and just so much more.

I've been reading up on the DoD release and the thought of units being rotated worries me, makes me wonder and makes me wish for a lott of things. Been hearing a lot about Basic/Boot Camp/RTC, AIT/Tech School/A-school from my friends and well...with each conversation, my heart aches and crumbles while my face is covered in laughs and smiles. I still see myself joining, I still go see the recruiters daily, I still see myself in ACUs, doing drills, in formations, PTing, and so much more. But, well...guess seeing is crazy in this case. I may joke around that often but seeing friends and family in the service is slowly eating me away, just not sure I'll lose it.

Or maybe I already have...seeing things that I hope ain't real, dreaming things that can't come true. Little things in life, gestures, actions make me flinch, every tackle I see is me, and laying in this bed with the IVs and this stupid mask, I want to just give up, to let it all go. If I had no one, none at all, that's what I'd do. I'd just say bye to it and flip it off. But no, that ain't an option, I got to keep it up for Mom, Dad, and the new baby. If it wasn't for 'em...

I'd be hanging out with Sean right now. With Sean, Mr. Reagon, Mr. Charles, Mr. Jackson, and all the fallen heroes...

God damn, I am fucked up. I need a drink or at least a smoke. I don't even remember when I started smoking...just did and even with my paralysis, I made it work.
How? I just did...
Why? Because...
Will I get in trouble? I'm not sure, nor do I care...old enough to drive, die for my country (or lack there of) I'm sure smoking ain't shit (nor is drinking for that matter)

After so long, I think I'll finally say it and release it to the world. Me, Matthew QKnuckles, is FUBAR. More FUBAR than anyone know or imagine.

My life is a mirror, you'll see me as me but you won't ever know the real me...
Like I said,
I'm FUBAR
FUBAR!

Since I was feeling good at all for last week's football game, here's the score:
Cal at UCLA, 45-26
USC at Notre Dame, 34-27

Army at Temple, 27-13
Oregon- Bye Week
Texas A&M at Kansas State, 62-14
Alabama vs South Carolina, 20-6
Ohio St at Purdue, 26-18
Oklahoma at Texas, 16-13
Navy at Southern Methodist, 38-35

Maryland vs Virginia, 20-9
UMiami at UCF, 27-7
Texas Tech at Nebraska, 31-1
Virginia Military Institute vs Stony Brook, 27-20

Air Force vs Wyoming, 10-0


Florida vs Arkansas, 23-20
LSU- Bye Week
Michigan vs Delaware State, 63-6
Washington at Arizona State, 17-24

Winning teams are in bold

And below is this week's game results:
Army vs Rutgers, 27-10

Ohio St vs Minnesota, 38-7

Maryland at Duke, 17-13

Virginia Military Institute at Presbyterian, 31-20

Washington v Oregon, 43-19

Alabama vs Tennessee, 12-10 One of the most amazing game I've ever seen. Go Bama!
Oklahoma at Kansas, 35-13
Navy vs Wake Forest, 13-10
Michigan vs Penn State, 35-10
UMiami vs Clemson, 40-37 OT

Air Force at Utah, 23-16

Cal vs Washington State, 49-17

UCLA at Arizona, 27-13

Texas A&M at Texas Tech, 52-30 Go Aggies! :D

Florida at Mississippi State, 29-19
LSU vs Auburn, 31-10

USC vs Oregon State, 42-36

I Cannot

I think this weekend, I finally learned something that I didn't wish to admit to before. I learn never to plan something so early and create no backup plans for yourself. I learn that without a backup plan, even the best generals in the world may fail. And at the same time, I am wondering when I can get myself to admit to reality to get myself doing what I need to be doing.

When I was in junior high, believe it or not, I was already planning my future. I had several plans and oddly enough, they all surround the same general area and interest:

1. Enlist in the Army and follow Dad's footsteps
2. Attend one of the military academies and commission
3. Play college football and then pro ball
4. Attend college, join ROTC and commission

And with those in mind, I was already setting my own path to my future.

I was running and lifting weights more often than my team mates were, I was rarely at parties and having fun, you would see me out running almost every day and many times, twice or three times a day, rain or shine. I wanted to be on my best shape for football season. I wanted to make sure that soon scouts will start looking at me. I also wanted to be in the best shape of my life for basic. No matter how far away it might be.

I was talking to recruiters like they were my best friends. Even with the moving around the world, I've always manage to track down a recruiter somewhere in the world and befriend him. To let him know I'm interested in enlisting but don't try to fool me, since I have the best source in the world: my Dad.

My Dream

I was studying and reading ASVAB materials, reading unclassified information, web pages on my free time. Just so I can get a head start on this "enlistment" and this military life NOT being the dependent.

I was reading and studying every single plays handed to me by my coach and watching plays from college teams. I wanted to be ahead of everyone. I wanted to know it before everyone. Not for the use of boasting about it, but know it in my heart what each play means to the team and to the person himself. And ultimately, see myself running the play, every single time.

My World

I logged onto all five service academies (West Point, Annapolis, Air Force Academy, Coast Guard Academy, and Merchant Marine Academy) website and entered my information onto their server. I talked to people who attended the academies, who is going to the academies and even talked to every liaison officer (LNO) I knew just so I can get the heads up. Even when people tell me "you got time, don't worry about it, just do well in school and keep in shape" I pushed them for more information, I ask them every question I can think of, and more. Just anything I can do to get more information to push my toes closer to the gate of these schools.

And strangely I would see myself doing all of that. Even when I know I'm going to have to choose one out of four, I saw myself doing all the things I dream of. I never thought of a back up plan, I never put into mind what I would want to do outside the football and military field.

Never and boy was I wrong for not expanding my dreams and thoughts.

Now, though I know the things I wish before will never happen, I still see myself doing the same thing. I still see the four options I stated before. And strangely for the moments I am thinking about the options, it's like I never got hurt, ever.

But with the highs of life, I guess there's got to be a down. I guess for the three years after my injury, I am still living a dream. I am still seeing what my brain wants me to see. I've blocked off the reality and never wish to admit to it. (And truly, don't know when I will truly face reality)

After I got hurt almost three years ago, I knew things changed. As I have said before, simple things in life needed to be altered and switched around. That I didn't mind, that was what all that time spend at the rehab hospital were for. There were just things I can not get myself to do.

One of many is to contact the people and schools I've talked to before an tell them I can no longer make them part of my dream. To write them official letters and email stating the incident and explain just how sorry I am for no longer being able to be part of their team. That I don't know when I can get myself to do.

And of course with school starting, my emails have been going off like crazy. Just the recent week I have gotten many mails, emails, phone calls and even instant messages regarding information and reminders:

1. With the amount of recruiters I know, they have been wondering what my plans are after high school. Yes it's true we still talk like we're friends but the subject still constantly come up. And like the fool I am, I still avoid answering the questions or even talk about the subject.

2. Emails from the service academies telling me it's still not late to apply and to talk to my LNO about the application process. If I act fast, I may still be able to get into the academies. But it's too late for me, already too late, I am 3 years late yet no one knows it.

3. Emails, phone calls, and even letters from college scouts asking for my football records and tapes if possible. Asking to speak to me in person and speak to my parents about the possibility to play for their school. Even asking me for my football schedule so they can come and watch me play, watch me in action. How do I get myself to tell them what happened...how do I get myself to tell them I can't play no more.

4. Emails and Instant messages from friends who are currently in ROTC and those who don't know what happened. As they tell me about the drills, what happened during the LABs and how excited they are for me to become "one of them". I often sit there with no answer. Again...how do I get myself to tell them when this incident hurts me more than it'll hurt them.

If you've been following my blog, you know I've said "I am my worse enemy" many times before and right now, I will say it again.

I am my worse enemy.

I know I should let everyone know of the incident, let everyone know what happened. But me, I cannot get myself to send out those letters and emails. I cannot get myself to tell my friends over IMs that I can no longer enlist, I can no longer join ROTC or even play football for my favorite college. (Ironically I always tell people not to say "can't" or "can not" and here I am doing it myself)

My Mom have offered to help me write the letters. Even send them off for me but as stubborn as I am, I told her I would do it myself. That was 3 years ago. I am still sitting here trying to get myself to start a letter.

I never thought writing To Whom It May Concern: would be so difficult.

Ha, you're old...

Isn't it funny how age just comes sooner rather than later. Today marks the 234th birthday of US Army. Holy shit...Army's old and 234 ha, funny. Not really doing anything crazy today other than chilling out with Sean and watch a couple of G.I Joe with him and maybe a couple movies. For people who have asked about Sean, thank you. There are days he can bounce off the walls of his hospital room and there are days he will scream and cry from missing his parents to the pain from the tumors/chemo/radiation. Last couple days have been tough but right now, he's alright, still sick as a horse but good enough to say. "Matt, look puke looks like sand where Mommy and Daddy are. Cool!"

US Army 234th birthday

Geeze...kids...

On another note, some professor from Rio left me a comment on my blog and completely made my day, it's amazing what one can say to make someone's day that much better. Thank you, professor, again, for the comment. It really made my day a lot better.

So, I don't really have in mind to write a lot other than mentioning Army's birthday today so signing off of here to chill out with Sean some more, maybe get started on the AP summer homework (ya right...), or actually start thinking about what to give Dad for Father's Day (currently no idea for a gift...none at all)

Oh and FYI for the people who are following Army Wives. I watched it with my Mom and she started going off on her rant (hormones I bet). I personally have no comments about it...I don't even know who half of these people are. But heyyyy that girl (what's her face...the base commander's daughter, Emmalin or something)...whoever plays her is looking finnnneee.

P.S. I looked up the girl...her name is Katelyn Pippy, she's 16. Ya ok I still think she's fine. Just give me a good reason to actually watch the show with Mom. Hope I don't get in trouble for this...