Cancer Pisses Me Off

I think living this long, a lot of things tend to piss me off. Stupid, ignorant people tend to do the trick. And then I've discovered that things in life do the same too. Things like my injury sometimes just piss the hell out of me. Well...cancer, is one also.

They said God has a plan for all of us. That everyone in God's eyes are equal and no matter how wrong it something is, it's all God's plan. And even at times we don't understand it, it's all God's plan.

Tonight, I hope whatever God has in store, it's a good one.

I remember at one of our family reunions, my Great Uncle would tell us, "Everyday is Christmas if you look at it, because greatest gift of all is to have all these people around you. Then you know it's a good day."

The news of Sean's diagnoses took a lot of us by surprise. And still I wonder why my Uncle and Aunt didn't share it with us earlier. But then I realize, even if we know, there really isn't anything we can do other than being there for 'em. There was nothing they can do either, filling for a late deployment, in ways adds on the hurt.

Earlier tonight, we got a call from the hospital. Mom and I didn't need to hear what they had to say and rush our way out here. The 2 hour drive turned into just a over an hour. We had been told Sean might not make it through the night...

And within both of us, there are panics, worries, and pain. But Mom always seem to know how to try and stay calm. According to her, "Pray, hope, and stay calm is the best anyone can do." (I personally don't know how she got the mind to tell me to do all that, stay away from the room for awhile and do my homework) I'm not going to lie, I'm not doing homework, not worried about school or college applications. I just want to be in there with Sean but Mom's orders. Pray. Hope. Stay Calm. Contact Red Cross. And do my homework.

I'd never thought staying calm could be so hard. All this time, I thought I was the calm one. Boy was I wrong.

While I'm sitting here, I thought about the amount of families that's going through the same worries. And there are so many good people out there, The good people, the compassion and even their dedication. The complete strangers who get together to give a kid his last wish. (And in ways, hearing the words "last wish" tears me apart. A kid, many younger than I am, how can they be having a last wish? That don't make no sense to me...)

I remember one night when Sean and I were hanging out, he asked me what Heaven is like. He asked me if he can get anything he wants at Heaven. He said to me, "I like to go to Heaven" And for that moment, a 5 year old scared me to death. He's five, laying next to me in his hospital bed, asking me about Heaven. And that look on his face, the seriousness...scared me the most.

Mom told me days ago that Sean ain't the same as he was before. The little bundle of joy is starting to be taking over by a monster he can't even see. By a monster that I, a 18 year old, have trouble pronounce. Sean hasn't been eating or talking, he's constantly sleeping, vomiting. And somehow, no one can do anything about it. Geeze...he's fucking 5. He wants to see the sky, the ocean, and real life Transformers.

I just hope he gets to. He haven't even fighting that long. His brain just ain't the same anymore, stupid tumor. He couldn't hold his toys anymore. And earlier tonight, he told me "my legs are tired" (Doc said that slowly, Sean is paralyzed from the neck down) I wish there was something I can do. A book I can read him that will make him feel better, a story, a face, anything. All just to make him better. He told us, "I want Mama and Daddy. Finger phones don't work in Heaven..."

Just makes me want to cry.

Not that long ago, Mom shared with me something that my Uncle wrote:

"Out doing my job in this strange country one day, I couldn't help but felt an unbelievable pain in my chest...one of which felt just like a shrapnel wound. I expected blood, and with my shakey hands on my heart, I expected to feel the red liquid flowing through my fingers. But there were none. As I chow down the MRE, the incredible pain in my heart persisted and slowly I come to the truth: I miss my boy. My boy battling cancer.

The boys asked me what's wrong, if it was the food. And as I stare blankly into the dry sky, I shook my head. No one understands, and in this country, among the boys I trust my life with, I felt alone and lost."

I think we all feel alone and lost. Mom and I are taking shifts with Sean tonight and truly praying and hoping that everything will be alright. I've contacted Red Cross and getting the word out to both my Uncle and Aunt. Just hopefully everything will be alright.

After all, he is my little buddy. And always will be.

"We don't hug, Cousin Matty, we're boys!"

After my match today, I decided to drive up to the hospital so Sean and I can watch the Navy and Air Force game before it ends. We managed to catch the second half of the game and it was loads of fun to hear Sean yell "YAY NAVY" throughout the game (it was a great game, if you didn't see it I suggest you find a re-run of it)

Navy wins! Look like they might be holding onto Commander-in-Chief's Trophy for another year. Wonder when Army will get the trophy again, haha.

There's nothing more I like than hanging out with Sean. When I came in his room today, he jumped off of his bed and literally yelled my name. That smile on his face was amazing. As I was about to give him a hug, he told me, "We don't hug, Cousin Matty, we're boys!" Made me chuckle a bit, another one of those "kids say the darnest things" Though he did sneak in a hug later on while we were watching football, according to him it's ok because "no one's watching" :D

We watched a couple football games before he got sick of it. While watching football today I realized I'm applying to a lot of SEC schools. Coincidence? I'm not sure :P But hey it's kind of cool :D So I asked him if he wants to watch a movie. He looked at me and said yes.

So right now I'm laying in bed with Sean while watching Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs. I can tell he's not feeling well and really, looking at him anyone would know he's sick. I would say his head probably is swollen about twice its original size- may be bits exaggerating, but you get the point. Mom said it's from the tumor, and ya, I can tell. His cheeks are swollen (I think from the meds?) and overall, his voice seems sore and tired. As he put is head against my shoulder, I could feel this strange pain in my heart. I ache for him, knowing he's hurting constantly. At the same time, I am still proud of him. Even with the pain, he doesn't complain as much as I think he would, he's still laugh and smiling at silly things and of course, still think hugs are for girls.

They say that strength comes in different sizes. And I think this pint size kid is one of the strongest person I know.

On a side note: I took a look at my September stats for the blog, it's amazing how it fluctuates like that. Imagine it being a company. Wonder how the stock holders of this "company" will think, haha.

Sept Viewing Stats

On another note: I've been watching Professor Shiller's Financial Markets lectures over at Open Yale Courses on my free time. It's basically college Finance lecture class and really, I think it's quite interesting. I'm having a blast watching the lectures and learning from them. (More than I am learning from my Finance class right now!) Call me a nerd but really, learning a lot about the subject, Professor Shiller, and just college lectures in general. Great heads up on college life I guess :D

Anyways, back to the movie. Then it's reading him a bed time story, make sure he's asleep and driving on home. Really wish I can stay but Mom's making me drive home so I can work on my homework and college applications all day tomorrow. She even suggested a homework/college applications party at the house tomorrow. Strangest idea, who would come to that?!

Texas- Bye Week
Florida- Bye Week

Michigan at Michigan State, 26-20 Didn't catch this game but WOW!
Maryland vs Clemson, 24-21
Army vs Tulane, 17-16

Alabama at Kentucky, 38-20

Virginia Military Institute vs Gardner-Webb, 27-23

Washington at Notre Dame, 37-30 (OT)
Stanford vs UCLA, 24-16
Texas Tech vs New Mexico, 48-28
Air Force at Navy, 16-13 (OT)
LSU at Georgia, 20-13

Ohio St at Indiana, 33-14
Ole Miss at Vanderbilt, 23-7

Texas A&M vs Arkansas, 47-19

UMiami vs Oklahoma, 21-20
Cal vs USC, 30-3

Oregon vs Washington State, 52-6

Winning teams are in bold

Though I Wish

It's early Saturday morning right now and well, I'm ready for my tennis match later on in the day so thought I write something. (Plus the fact I can't sleep, maybe after this I can get some Zs...)

So late last night, Mom decided to drive up to the hospital to stay with Sean for the weekend. I told her it's a bad idea to drive so late, she said she can't sleep and Sean can use the company. There was nothing I can do to stop her, I even offered to drive her up there, she said no. Said that since I got a match today, I need to stay home and that she'll be fine.

Moms...

Either or, she made it to the hospital okay. She saw me online and we got talking on Google Talk She asked me about college applications (no surprise), grades, school work, then we got talking about Sean. I asked her what's going to happen next for him. He's been through loads already and though I wish for him to fight on and be healthy again, sometimes, I wish he would just stop. Stop and go to Heaven so he doesn't have to feel pain no more. I don't know what that make me, selfish or stupid or even a horrible person, I don't know. Either way I feel bad just thinking about it.

What would we do without Google?

Mom told me what the doctor said about the last scan. I won't go into details for now, since we still need to reach at least one of his parents. Let's just say that they aren't the news we are hoping for. I guess tumors, in ways, are like dragons, nothing can kill 'em except a brave knight. And right now, no knight is powerful and brave enough to fight off this dragon. (Horrible analogy I know but really I believe Sean's a brave and strong knight, the dragon is just putting up a fight also) Sean's doctors have contacted St. Jude and they have agree that if it's what Sean's parents want. They can start treatment for Sean over in Memphis.

There's a plus side to St. Jude's, they have a great program and they focus sully on childhood cancer. There's a downside to that, it's nowhere near where my aunt/uncle is stationed. In fact, it's not even in the same state.

So Mom did some research and looked for places around where my aunt/uncle are stationed and Duke looks extremely promising. So there's a plus there for Duke, even if their focus isn't on childhood cancers, it's a good hospital.

Well, the ultimate decision is on Sean's parents. Since they're both deployed, we'll just have to see what they think once we can reach 'em. (I've been hearing about deployment extensions...I really hope Sean doesn't have to battle this thing alone for much longer. No matter how much time me or Mom spend with him, we know he wants his parents. After all, it is his Mom and Dad)

Knight v Dragon - Sean v Tumor?

I got to leave for my match in three hours and still having slept. Been thinking about my little buddy, hope he's doing alright. Today's the Air Force and Navy game, I just might rush up to the hospital after my match so I can watch the game with him at the hospital. We'll see.

Recap&Life

Wow so it's been 5 days since I wrote something and well, it's Saturday so you know what this means! FOOTBALLLLLLLLLLL :D

Quick recap on what happened during the last few days:

School have been going alright, just getting used to the senior year :) Loads of stuff going on with homework, college applications and so on so always busy there. My classes (German IV Honors, Study Hall, Calc AP, Finance, AP Literature, American Government ,and Psychology) are overall pretty good. Typical AP classes along with other college prep courses. Only thing I don't like is Finance. If you follow me on Twitter, you'd know that I have been tweeting about what's going on in that class. And truly, I'm not impressed.

Just recently we had a quiz on check writing. You heard me right, check writing. Is it just me or are these old skills that people should have attained long time ago? Or am I the only one that learned about banking, banking statements, online banking, balancing a checkbook, check writing, and more way before I got to high school?! (And yes, if you're wondering, I Aced it)

Tennis is going well and many thanks to the people who have been asking about the matches and so forth. I won some I lost some. Guess I can't complain when I'm just a noob at this game. You should hear my coach though, you can hear him yell "PUSH FASTER MATT" from yards away! :P

Outside of school:

Mom and I are doing fine with Dad still deployed. With the news of SFC Thornsbury, phone calls still keep us wondering while cars that drive by the house still keep us on the edge of our seats. But this is nothing new I guess, it's a deployment and Mom and I are doing what we can to get through it. No matter where Dad is, just hope he's doing well and staying safe.

Mom's doing well, she's now 33 weeks pregnant (and huge belly!) and with the recent baby shower, she's more excited than ever to have this "thing out of me!" Lately it seems like all she's been talking about is baby names. Guess she and Dad ever came up with a name before Dad deployed and me, well I got stuck listening to her asking rhetorical questions about which names are better and which sounds "cute". The nursery is turning out well. With people coming over today to finish the painting, Mom's extremely excited. (I am too in a way...since I get to watch football and they do the work. According to them I'll just "get in the way" so hey that's just fine with me :D )

Mom's Current "Bible"

Sean is also doing well. Though he is still under treatment and last scan of his brain doesn't look so good, he's still fighting strong. He loved the toys I brought him and said he can't wait to watch all the football games. "YAY NAVY" he said but hey we all know he meant to say "Army" :P

As for people who've been asking how I'm doing, as in me, myself, well...doing well I guess. Listening to music daily and doing what I do best. The date of my injury is coming close and though I try not to think about it, it's still constantly on my mind. (Of which I'm sure it's something I can't help with, it is my love and a love that shattered my heart) There has been some random thoughts in my head lately, not sure what's going on but hopefully for the good. Some things are still happening but I rather not say it here.

On a side note: On Friday I had the sudden urge to make a website. And I am currently going through loads and loads of CSS codes and ideas for the site. I'm not even sure if I'm going to officially launch it or not, guess I just feel like messing with codes. I'll let everyone know if I do decide to go through with this or it'll just be some eye candy on my computer.

Sneak Peak of the site :D

Thanks again for everyone's DMs/IMs/emails about how Sean, Mom, and myself are doing. Truly appreciate the thoughts and kind words. Loads of things happening within the next couple months, excited and nervous but hey it's life! (Still hoping that Dad will be home when Mom gives birth. For the obvious reason of course plus I'd like to keep my hand. Would hate to have Mom "kill" it by squeezing it too hard :P)

Now onto this week's football!
Note: Winning teams are in bold

Michigan vs East. Michigan, 45-17
Army vs Ball St, 24-17
Cal at Minnesota, 35-21
Ohio St at Toledo, 38-0

Alabama vs North Texas, 53-7

Florida vs Tennessee, 23-13
Maryland vs Middle Tennessee, 32-31
Oklahoma vs Tulsa, 45-0
USC at Washington, 16-13 HOLY COW!!!
Oregon vs Utah, 31-24

Navy at Pittsburgh, 27-14
Virginia Military Institute at James Madison, 44-16

Texas A&M vs Utah State, 38-30
LSU vs Louisiana-Lafayette, 31-3

Air Force at New Mexico, 37-13

Texas Tech at Texas, 34-24

Little Monster

So after visiting Sean, I decided to take the 2 hour drive back home. (Just to get some homework started, you wouldn't believe the amount of homework I got assigned over this 3 day weekend) Since Mom and I drove only one car to the concert, earlier this morning I went back to the hospital to pick up Mom. (Yes she's having her baby shower tomorrow while me I'm still not getting this whole thing but I guess it's ok, I'm learning. Plus I'd be in my room all day anyways :P )

I got to the hospital, hung out with Sean for a bit (boy can he play Wii or what) and on the way home Mom told me the news. While she talked I started to wonder about this little monster inside Sean's head. Tumors, if you don't know, are like the annoying thing that just tends to not go away. As Dane Cook said it, it's like the annoying person at work that always tends to follow you even if you get a new job. Anyways, a month after Sean's surgery and with the treatments, guess who's back?

Ya the annoying little monster.

Not only it's annoying, it scares all of us. So according to the report, I quote: "This mass now measures approximately 1.5 cm transversely x 2.3 cm....extends medially...appears to be growing along the subarachnoid space in the left temporal region."

Tumor, the Little Monster

I never thought I'd hate the word "growing" so much. I just hope that with this treatment, Sean will be doing better every day. (Still admiring his laughs and smiles even when all this is going on. Good job buddy, way to go.) And with this stuff, life still goes on.

Just truly hope this little monster goes away soon.

Other news, I had a good time watching more than 12 hours of football yesterday. (As you can probably tell by the screen shot below) As much it sounds like I got no life, this is my life. I guess well the life I dream of. It's like what I wrote yesterday, football and I got a love and hate relationship going. Not sure if it's a healthy relationship but ya it's a love and hate thing.

Ya I know I'm nuts

Scores (winning team is in bold):

Grambling State vs South Carolina State, 34-31
Mississippi at Memphis, 45-14
Colorado State at Colorado, 23-17

And for those who are asking for concert pictures, Mom forgot the camera but knows someone who did took loads of pictures. So I'll share that with you guys as soon as she get them.

First "Official" Week of School

Today in school, they had all the seniors meet up for a presentation. The presentation was what you'd expect, telling all of us the year ahead, what to look for, and of course "be smart and make good decisions" They are really cracking down on the seniors who choose to challenge the rules and "have fun". So hopefully this year I won't make silly decisions and compromise my diploma :P

Thank you to all those who continues to ask about Sean and how he's doing. He is doing well and while the treatment is still going on, he's still got his smiles, laughs and random quotes from "Cars" and other Disney movie. Scans were done after the surgery and looks like he's in the clear! Just hope with this treatment, he will be in remission soon.

Quote from doctor's notes:

"OPINION: STABLE POSTOPERATIVE CHANGES WITHOUT EVIDENCE OF TUMOR RECURRENCE."

Awesome!

On the business of school, everything is going well. I'm still trying to get used to a new school setting and hoping that my schedule is finally fixed. Never had this much trouble before but hey, guess there's a first for everything! As the first "official" week of school, I guess everything is going well. (Or say...as well as it's expected?) Just the same with a new school I guess, people staring at me while going to class (their first time seeing a wheelchair or something? Was it my hair? Hmm...), people staring at me while in class and so on. Nothing I'm not used to for years now, just happens I guess.

What you looking at?!?

I've also come to believe that I may be the only Army brat in the entire school. In AP Literature class, we talked about how the books relates to our personal life. As I was relating it to my life, I can tell that my classmates are thinking "holy cow...what a life..." or something like that. Even at my first tennis match, as parents were pouring in to see their kids play, bits of me turned into that little boy wishing for my Dad to show up and watch me play. It was my first match, my first take at tennis. Then I realized, I've been through this. This wouldn't be the first match of any sport that he missed. So, oh well. (I kind of laughed to myself when I also realize that Dad was watching me play football the day I got hurt. Karma? Haha.)

Now tennis, I must say when I wheeled on that court, people on the other team looked at me like "what's that spectator doing on the court?" and when I got into my tennis chair, they all looked at me like I was nuts while probably thinking how weird the chair looks. Even as I was warming up, eyes were practically glued to me. I bet none of them realize that we cripples can play sports. And I bet none of them realize they just might get to play a cripple and get beat by one too.

Coach pulled me aside and asked if I was ok. "Ya I'm good" was my answer and I wasn't lying either. I guess in a way, I'm used to the people and what I called "curiosity of the eyes". You should see the guy's face when I rolled up to the court. There was a lot of confusing eyes going on and with questions and what not (good thing Coach and I read up on our USTA wheelchair tennis rules) but I'm glad coach handled it so well and the other coach was so chill about it. Guess people just need to get used to the idea that standing tennis and wheelchair tennis belong in the same Federation and rules are all the same. (Look at the USTA/ITF wheelchair rules reference for more details)

Now the game itself went pretty well. I lost the first set to my opponent. Guest I just needed a "warm up game" if you will because over all, I won the match. (I'll get the scoring one of these days. Right now I just play and listen to my fellow teammates/coach, ha!) First game, I won, so hey I guess I'm not THAT bad. (Or maybe the dude was REALLY bad. lol. Note: my goal for today's match wasn't to win, but to hit my opponent with the ball. I know it was one in a long shot, but it would have been funny. Too bad it never happened, haha :P) We'll see if I settle on playing singles or doubles for the rest of the year. There sure are loads of room for improvements though! (You should hear my coach yelling at me telling me to push my chair faster, it was hilarious.)

At home, things are basically the same with Dad gone. Mom's still planning the nursery while I help out around as much as I can. (Trying not to burn down the kitchen!) Mom managed to asked some co-workers to come over to the house this weekend so we can get started on the painting process. So hopefully by next week the paint job would be done! (Next we'll start buying more stuff/putting things on the wish list to make it look like an actual nursery! And yes, Mom's still serious about the wheelchair accessible crib.)

Mom's Dream Nursery

Well I better get started on all this homework. Thanks again everyone for checking in on Sean and the good luck wishes on my tennis match :D

On a side note: I got yet another postcard today. From my "best friend", the Army! Boy they really wants me to join, haha! Guess I'll be calling up a recruiter soon! Haha :P

Another note: I found out today that my school's football team is looking for more players. Now I'm wondering...WHERE DO I SIGN UP COACH? Ha

Feel Like Writing...

After waking up at 0500 with 5-6 hours of sleep…I realized this is the longest I’ve slept in a long time. (I know what you’re thinking "What? 5-6 hours, only?!?" but really it’s good hours for me considering the number of hours I've slept total just this week.) I'm not exactly sure why I slept that long (maybe it was cuz of practice or maybe it was from recent lack of sleep.) but I felt like I slept for days when I woke up. I even went out and ran a couple miles, it was a great morning indeed.

Tennis practice was canceled due to bad weather and now I feel like writing so be warned, this may be a long post.

First order of business: Can't tell you guys how much both my family and I appreciate everyone who have been asking about Sean, checking up on him, and even send him get well cards to cheer him up (Thanks Brooke! :D) As you guys may or may not know, Sean’s surgery was on the 5th, after leaving ICU and back to his regular rooms on the 9th, he once again start on his 6 weeks chemotherapy treatments on the 10th (and yes, radiation will come later). With the start of tennis practice yesterday and school starting in less than two days, I feel as if I'm letting Sean down. The "I'll be back, be good" I said to him a couple weeks ago is still on my mind. This is a time when I wish I live closer to the hospital just so I can visit him. Since the hospital is two hours drive away (one-way) from post, visiting him on weekdays just seem impossible. Hopefully I can work out some schedule for weekend visits and truly hope he doesn't "hate" me for not showing up if I can't. So once again thank you guys for the prayers, the good thoughts, and good mojo for Sean, my family and I truly appreciate it!

With the PCS, summer homework, and Sean…I never really had the time to think how many days of summer I got left, true I keep a countdown clock (yes I know I'm a nerd) I never really paid attention. Two nights ago, for some reason, I decided to expand my college search. I was looking at both different majors for the colleges already on my list and even other colleges I can add to the list. That's when I realized…school is starting soon and that means, I'm a senior. Strangely just four years ago I was wondering when I’m going to graduate and get out of this "hell hole" and now with only a year left, I am wishing for time to slow down.

Unlike my civilian friends, I didn't attend one single high school and though making friends over and over again can be quite difficult, I found "fun" in this "challenge" and while looking at colleges, I'm thinking about my friends I made back in Freshman, Sophomore, and even Junior year. I'm wondering if they're doing the same and if they all miss the same thing I am missing; if they all wish for the same thing, for time to slow down so we all can cherish this one last time. Because really, before we know it, they'll be calling our names on graduation day and I bet we all would wish for time to turn back.

Strange how my brain works…

Back to the college list, I've extended my college list by one, adding University of Kentucky to the original list (University of Memphis, Ohio State, University of Florida, University of Colorado at Colorado Springs, and University of Colorado at Denver) and yes, Memphis, Ohio State, and Florida are still my top three. I've also extended the possible majors for the "just in case" of life. On top of Criminal Justice (which is what I want to major in) I’ve added these to the list: Systems Analysis Engineering (only available at Memphis), Language and Linguistics, Electrical Engineering, Disability Studies and Rehabilitation Services (only available at Memphis), Economics, and History. Guess you can never prep too hard for the "maybes" in life. Hopefully I'll actually stick with Criminal Justice till my senior year of college, but hey who knows right?

School starts in less than two days and yes I finished my summer work and reading extra books but really can't help but scream "SCHOOL’S STARTING" inside my head, call me a nerd but I truly, truly enjoy school. Maybe it's because of the people I get to meet, the classes I'm about to take, or just sort of a "distraction" from all the things going on in life. But really, I enjoy school, a lot. People have always thought I'm weird when I tell them I like school, but if you roll a mile in my wheels (made me laugh that I typed that without thinking) you'd know school can be a good "distraction" when your parent(s) is deployed. Both distraction and stress I guess…guess you can’t "win" at this game.

But at the same time, starting school brings back painful memories that I live with on a daily basis. The start of school reminds me of how excited I was starting football how I would find all the tapes possible and watch them for hours just so I can learn something from the players. Starting school means fall is arriving and that means football season is starting. And that brings me back to the day I got hurt. Don’t think I don't love football, I do, but that doesn't mean I don't wonder what life would be like if I never rushed the yards that evening. September 25th will be the third anniversary of my injury. They say the first three years is the hardest…and boy I truly hope they're right. I’m proud of my wheels, I'm glad I got a second chance yet…the day, the incident still brings me nightmares. Nightmares like you wouldn't believe.

Anyways, I’m done writing for now, lost my train of thought thinking about THE date.
Shall write more later on.

Goodbye ICU!

This will be a quickie since I'm supposed to be working on my summer homework. Last couple days I've been hanging out with Sean for couple hours at once while my parents take their breaks. He's doing quite well and no sign of PFS! Seems like he's slowly going back to his normal laughing and joking self but still plenty of naps in between the hours. Guess there is one more good thing about this surgery, he is actually sleeping! (Which made my Mom VERY happy, because she's been able to get some sleep also last couple nights. And happy Mom = happy everyone :D)

Tomorrow we will be spending the morning getting Sean out of ICU and back into regular rooms then after lunch it's off to driving back to post so my parents can get settled before work on Monday. (Of course we'll most likely be unpacking more of our stuff before I drive back to the hospital and stay with Sean.)

Still got school things to take care of so there will be plenty of driving the next couple days. Thank goodness for AAFES gas stations huh?

Beginning of A Long Journey

I think every military spouse, brat, family members, or even friends know what it's like to wait. We're "used" to waiting for letters to come in the mail, we're "used" to waiting for that email, that phone call or even a peek at the webcam just to see our love ones. I think waiting...well it's just part of our normal day lives. Well, waiting more than the average citizen anyways.

And somehow after years of waiting and hoping, you thought you'd be used to it. You thought you're used to waiting months just to hear that person's voice, just to see that person again, but it never gets easier. Never.

And while waiting in the military world, I have found that out in the civilian world, my patience can out last any of my civilian friends. I've also found that while waiting for someone, I hardly check the time. Maybe all this waiting in the military world got something to do with it, maybe not.

I'm going off on a tangent, anyways...

Sean had his surgery today, what doctors thought would take four hours, took nine. Every second of that extra five hours, I thought about what is going on in there, I thought and wonder IF there's anything going on. And every second waiting, I wish the doctors, the nurses would stop by and tell us the play-by-play. If only, if only right?

While waiting for Sean's surgery to be over, my parents send me to the Teen Lounge. They asked me (more like told me?) to try and focus on my school work. I have less than 20 days before school starts and though with everything that's going on, they hope I will focus on the my summer homework I've been putting off. At this point, I can tell you I haven't got anything done. My parents are looking for results, not hear about the excuses, but really I had no heart in doing anything. And truly, I refuse to work on anything that I'm not going to put my entire heart and mind into.

So I sat at the Teen Lounge and stared right into the big screen TV they got. Even then, time doesn't seem to have sped up. And for once in a long time, I've found myself constantly checking the clock on the wall, the time on my computer and even the time on my watch. Strangely...time floats by so slow when you do that and every second of it feels like an eternity.

Not even this HUGE TV could cheer me up/make the time zoom by faster.

Nine hours later, the doc finally walked out and told us the operation was done. There was a sigh of relieve from my parents and me. The doc said, "The operation went well. Took us longer than expected and there was more tumor mass than we initially expected but we were manage to remove most of the mass." I remember thinking WHAT THE FUCK DOES MOST MEAN.

Turns out, just because you remove the tumors doesn't mean it's completely gone. Sean will still have to go through radiation and maybe even chemotherapy to prevent it from growing and spreading. In ways...we're back in square one. But hey, somewhat of a good news, I'll take that. (Strangely in my mind I wonder if this is what my parents went through after my accident, after my operation)

The doc even had the "courtesy" of reminding us about Posterior Fossa Syndrome. Basically, it means that there's a chance that Sean might wake up a different person (make sense...since you're messing with the brain...) Supposedly, one out of five kids will suffer from PFS after surgery. If Sean have PFS (I'm hoping not) he might wake up and be fine right away but within 24-48 hours he might stop talking, walking, or even lose the use of arms as well. That sounds bad, real bad so we're hoping and praying that Sean won't show signs of PFS (Funny thing is, I can see Sean smiling and laughing thinking it's "cool" to not be able to walk, to be just like his cousin.)

So after a long day, we're relieved and yet, in ways, we're all still very nervous. Who wouldn't be? It is cancer. All we can do now is keep praying and hoping that Sean will continue fighting off this nasty enemy.

Our plans (for now):

Dad's going to spend the night in ICU with Sean while Mom and I are going to head back to the hotel. Dad hopes that I will finish my summer work soon but he's not going to "disallow" me seeing Sean just cause the work isn't done. (Sounds like a huge GUILT TRIP to me!)

Tomorrow morning Mom and I are going to spend some hours with Sean and we'll adjust the hours till Sunday when we'll drive back to post so my parents can be settled for work on Monday. As for me, since there are school events I must deal with, I'll be driving back and forth between the hospital and home until school starts.

Going to be pretty interesting/eventful for the next couple days. Hopefully everything will turn out just fine.

Big shout out all my friends all over the world who've been asking about Sean, praying for us, and sending good vibes our way. You guys rule, wouldn't know what to do without you guys.

Countdown

Had a busy day today. Drove back to post earlier this morning so I can "supervise" the movers that are moving our stuff back in the house. Wasn't nothing fun but needed to be done. It went well...only one box dropped and hopefully nothing too damaged. After the movers left and my Mom got home from work. I drove her out to the hotel they've been staying at and helped her move my parents' stuff back in the house. Dinner we went out to this nice Italian place, it was pretty good. My parents and I talked about what's going to happen within the next few days.

My parents are both going to take Wednesday and the rest of the week off so we can all drive up to the hospital and be with Sean before, after, and during the surgery. We'll be rotating the watch hours so Mom (who's now 27 weeks pregnant) can get the rest she needs, Dad can get some sleep that he deserves, and of course, I can get away from it all to finish up the summer work I have been put off for awhile.

After dinner, we went back to the house and managed to unpack a few boxes. Dad got the TV hooked up (no cable/internet yet) so while my parents are finishing up a movie. I thought I'd update on what's going on.

Funny today have been so eventful and busy, there was one person that I could not get my mind off of. Sean. Before I left the hospital, I told him why I needed to leave and that I would be back before his surgery. The look on his face was about to tear my heart apart. And throughout the day I'd be wondering what he was doing, how he was doing, and whether or not he's feeling well. (Or even if he's giving the nurses a hard time)

And right now, at 0040, my mind automatically went into a countdown mode. 32 more hours then Sean needs to be prepped for surgery. In my mind I can hear this and it's making me nervous. It's making me wonder about what's going to happen, what might happen. And all of it it's running through my head like a movie...

I think I'm more nervous than Sean is.
And in ways, that scares me.

Everyday Warriors

I love it when Sean is feeling somewhat good enough to laugh and smile at shows such as "Veggie Tales" and even watch his cousin goof off by pretending to fall over in my chair doing a wheelie. (Don't worry, I won't actually fall. I like scars but rather not get any more on my head :P)

I love it when he asks questions that have nothing to do with what we are doing or watching. The unexpected "I CHALLENGE YOU" and "Do you like Goldfish?" statements and questions make me smile. And truly get to see the true side to this 5 year old even when he might not be feeling well.

I love it when he unexpectedly gets up and dance to the country music I'm playing and ask me if I want to join him.

I love it when out of nowhere, he ask me if I want to do homework with him. If it's ok for him to learn math and spelling. And if he can watch "the funny cartoon" that taught him so much. (School House Rock)

I don't think there is anything that he does that I don't love. Sean had a rough night last night crying from the pain and asking for his parents. Took me awhile to get him to settle down and sleep but finally got him to go to bed around 0500. Maybe it was just me, but I think he whispered "I love you and God and everyone" before he fell asleep. Priceless moment.

Before long, Sean jumped up in his bed and asked to watch "Veggie Tales". He even told me if I don't watch "Veggie Tales" with him and listen to God then I'm a bad boy. :P

I often wonder how can something but so hunting brought such joy in the same time. And looking at Sean and the kids on this floor who are all bravely fighting cancer, I know it's possible because of the kids innocence, they're will to fight on, and of course, be a kid all at the same time. I think that's what makes them warriors. Everyday warriors.

As I am writing this, Sean is marching in place and saying "YES SIR" Can't help but smile at how focus he looks right now. And how much he looks like his Dad and a true Devil Pup.

Keeping a Promise

After the event last night. I figured that my parents drove back to post and managed to either reach my aunt and uncle or email them the news. Because this morning, I woke to an email from my Aunt saying she have internet over in Iraq and that she hopes I can update her every single day on how Sean is doing. (And of course will try to reach my uncle at the same time, who have limited internet and calls in Afghanistan.) She thanked me for writing my blog so she can see how I feel. She thanked me for taking care of Sean while she can and ended the email with an inside joke.

I wrote back and said I would do my best. And hope that both her and my uncle would try not to worry. But think about it...no matter where you are in the world, no matter if you're deployed or not, you will still miss your little boy and worry if he's feeling okay, if he's eating, and more.

So in trying to keep up with this "promise" I made to my aunt. I will try to update this blog every day. (I am currently trying to make a new section for Sean so people can go there to read the posts. But looks like Wordpress doesn't allow different posts at each section. So it will be harder for people to keep track of the date and so forth. For now, I will just continue to write under this blog and hope I can come up with something soon.)

Last night was fairly decent, my parents, Sean, and I saw X-Men Evolution with Sean (his top choice!) and before long, he was worn out. I had the chance to go out for a run earlier this morning and grab a bite to eat before Sean woke up. It might be the feeling and worry of surgery but Sean have been pretty clingy all day. Majority of the day was laying next to me and watch me work on my laptop. He didn't feel like doing math like he usually do and he didn't feel like playing Wii. (Of which I wonder if there was something I am doing wrong?)

Looking at him I could tell he missed his parents. After gathering up papers and pencils, I managed to get Sean to draw out cards and helped him write a few words that are going to be send to his parents. We even got on the computer and custom made a couple cards that is already send to both my Uncle and Aunt.

Even with the excitement of writing to his parents, I could tell he was not feeling good. And before I sealed the drawings in an envelope, Sean asked me.

"Cousin Matty, if I die who will take care of Mommy and Daddy?"

Breaks my heart to think that a 5 year old, whose life is only supposed to start is already asking about death. I did my best and reassured him not to worry about that right now because right now, making cards for his Mom and Dad was more important.

By the way he whispered "Ok" I could tell he didn't believe me. I could tell he wanted to ask more questions but instead, picked up the paper and wrote "I love you" for his Mom.

Sean's a fighter, a joker, and a brave kid. And truly, every minute, every second of my day have been hoping and praying that he will continue to fight. And in the future, share his experience with others, make jokes and laugh about something that once threaten his life. If anyone can laugh at cancer, I believe Sean can.

And before I end this note, something quite small yet funny from our own little hero.

Sean: "What's that?"
Me: "I'm writing see? About you, see your name there?"
Sean: "Me? REALLY? I'M A STAR!"

lol funny kid :P

People Die From This

As my parents are hanging out with Sean and telling him about the surgery next week, I decided to stay out of the room to breathe. I thought I'd write because I need to get things off my chest. I need to write before going back to Sean's room and put on a happy face. And be ready for the questions he'll be asking, no matter how hard they might be.

And of course, for all those people who knows about Sean and his condition either through real life or this blog or Twitter. Don't think I can thank you all enough for the constant support, putting up with me, and asking about Sean. Thank you all, can't thank you enough.

When I first heard about Sean's diagnoses, I immediately thought "hey people are winning this battle everyday, if it's anyone I know Sean can do it" Maybe is because of my optimistic personalities but really, I never thought about what's ahead. I never thought about the impossible, that Sean just might not make it through this. And as days progressed...the thought changed. Seeing Sean and others crying from cancer pains and pain from the treatment snapped me back into reality. People die from this, every. Single. Day.

Sean does so well to hide his sickness with all the laughs, the smiles, and even the "insults" to his cousin. But at times, it feels as if Sean is older and wiser than I am. Asking me questions I never thought was possible from a 5 year old. And like any other 5 year old, within the next minute, Sean would challenge me to a game of Wii Tennis (and beat me every time)

Just as we all thought he is getting better. The scans did not agree to our thoughts, prayers, and hope. After briefly looking at the scans, I realize something is wrong. Now I may not be a doctor, I may not be a radiologist, and I definitely ain't no genius. But I know it's bad when that scan of Sean's head is mostly dark gray, the lighter grays CANNOT be a good thing.

Before my parents left post, my Mom told me that it will be ok if I don't have to hear what the doctor needs to say. That sometimes, not knowing might be the best thing. I thought about it...and decided to listen in. After all, he is my cousin and though knowing might make this that much more difficult, Sean is my cousin and I care and love him.

Two hours later, I was sitting in a cold room with my parents. (Funny how the temperature in those rooms are always so cold. Maybe they think it might freeze our emotions...as if...) It brought back hunting memories of doctors coming into my hospital room telling me I wouldn't ever walk again. But this is so different, this wasn't about me, this was about someone I care and love. And worse of all, it's news about a 5 year old little boy.

No one...ESPECIALLY not 5 year-olds should have to go through this.

The doc introduced himself, talked a bit about what he and others doctors at the hospital can do for Sean and showed us the scans.

I fucking hate it when I'm right. Why do I have to be right...

Even with the treatments...the nasty tumor just doesn't want to quit. In fact, it's growing like ticks on a street rat and it just doesn't want to stop. Solution, or one of the things we CAN do at this point is surgery. It just might be the only thing that will save Sean. By then, I've zoned out at what's going to happen. I didn't want to hear the bullshit sympathy he was giving my parents and me. I didn't want to have to think that Sean, my 5 year old cousin, would have to go under the knife. And for that moment, I wish it could have been me.

Surgery is scheduled for Wednesday and the doctor said it might take 4 hours and most of the time, it takes more times it's worse than the scan. (Then why the fuck did they invent the scans in the first place if they can't tell you EVERYTHING?!?) Afterward, Sean will be staying in ICU until he's good going back to the other rooms. Then, the plan is to focus on radiation to make sure the bugger tumor doesn't grow and of course, chemotherapy after that. Just really pray that everything will work out...and soon.

While some of my friends my age are worrying about the summer being almost over and school, I worry about Sean. I see his smile, his pain, and his tears daily and really wish I can take it all away. To make him healthy so HE could go back to school and make new friends, not ME.

And during my time of need...I wonder why I opened my Bible. I looked for the pages the text that would make me feel that much better. I look for texts that can make all this go away, that can help answer the question "Why Sean and not me?" but for some reason...they're not there. But from the experience, I know everything happens for a reason and God has a plan for all of us.

I just hope this plan will be a good one. I really do.
It'd be a great favor, God...help Sean. It'd be great...

I better had back to Sean's room...he'll be wondering where the hell I went and if I wanted to play Wii with him again I'm sure.

Cancer sucks. But I suck more because I keep getting my butt handed to me at Wii Tennis.

Love you Sean, more than you know.

I feel selfish...Because I am.

Laying in bed with Sean last night, comforting him from the pain of cancer, reading him books after books just try to make him feel better, I realized something. The distance between my friends and I are getting wider and wider. The words spoken are getting fewer and fewer. And I just don't know what to do.

I have Skype I've had Skype since I learned about it awhile back. It's a great program when you move around so much and so many of your friends are all over the world. It's a great feeling to sit down and be able to hear the person's voice and even see their faces that you haven't seen in awhile.

Even the friends I met online, talking on Skype make them closer than reading plain text on a screen. Make them feel more like a person, like I can relate to each of them.

But reading stories after stories last night, I wonder why I haven't thought of this before. This distance is getting bigger, this awkwardness, this bubble.

I now am lost between juggling friends, school, and keeping up and caring for Sean. I feel selfish, to sometimes wish that I can get away for a week, just to hang out with my friends or talk to them on Skype without Sean crying and begging for the pain to stop. I feel selfish when my friends on Skype have to watch what they say because Sean is around. I feel selfish when I have to repeat asking them to stop over and over again. I feel extremely selfish.

He's my cousin, he's the man I'll never be, he's the warrior fighting this cancer, this "dull" Medulloblastoma and yet I'm sitting in my chair wishing for all this to stop, wishing to hang and chill with friends or even time to myself. His parents are deployed and when he needs someone the most, it feels like I can't provide it for him.

And still, I feel the extreme selfishness to be thinking of myself. To wish that my parents would be less busy with everything and just watch Sean for awhile. Or even, leave Sean here in the hospital by himself, just so I can try and talk to my old friends, try making new friends, or even just go around town and get used to the place.

I feel selfish...
Because I am.

Forgive me Sean.
Forgive me Aunt Becca and Uncle Josh.
Forgive me everyone I've hurt and left behind in the process.
Forgive me.

Thank you

Really, I don't know how else to say it other than thank you. Thank you to everyone that offered advice to help me cheer Sean up. Thank you for those who tried to make me feel better. Thank you.

It's funny when your friends from all over the world try so hard to cheer you up and make your situation seem somewhat better, you have nothing on your mind than what's at hand. Even though they try so hard, you tend to zone out of what they're saying to you, what their singing and focus on the situation at hand.

Is it the mind that blocks you from what good things your friends are saying or your body that physically can't forget about the bad news? What is it really and at this point, I don't care.

I don't seem to care about anything anyone is asking me. I don't seem to be able to focus on what I need to be doing. (i.e planning out the lay out of the house and summer AP homework) Only thing on my mind is this 5 year old boy, holding tight onto my neck and can't tell me what's wrong or what he would like to do.

I really wonder what's on his mind. That smile he had yesterday, the smile, the laugh, the questions, all gone. And like a psychiatric patient, he sits on my lap, staring into my laptop and just stares. No words, no smile, no laugh, not even a grin.

I can see the lost look in his eyes. And don't know how to fix it.
I wish I can.

Stupidity, Ignorance, and Extremely Careless

It's almost 0300 and I am wide awake. At this point I'm not sure if it's the excitement/dread of moving that is keeping me up or the fact that I just want to make sure Sean is okay. As much as I would like to tell myself that he is, sad truth is, he's not.

And for some reason laying in this bed with him, listening to music while he lay his head against my shoulder my mind started wondering. The big c is something we as a society try not to think about. We all know what it is, we know what people have to go through to fight this monster, but we don't think about it enough. We don't think about the sick adults and children. We don't think about their families, what they have to go through, the emotional and physical pain. And somehow, a simple "I can't imagine what you're going through." just passes through the mouth like saying "Hello"

But, for some reason, I started to wonder. And just like that, I read pages after pages of what Medulloblastoma is, how it affects the body and so much more. I didn't even know there were different kinds of brain cancer let alone pronouncing the damn word. I feel stupid, naive, not to mention extremely careless of what's going on around me. And the more I read, the more question I have. The more I read, the more I wonder how smart I really am.

And for a moment I wish I can call up my old schools and tell them to get rid of my GPA all together. I don't at all deserve this GPA and these grades. I can't believe how ignorant, stupid, or whatever you want to call me.

And looking at these pages then back at Sean, I wonder if he knows what I'm reading. I wonder if he knows what's going on inside my head. And parts of me feared that he will ask what I'm doing, why I'm looking so serious into the screen for and how come he's sick. How do you answer Medulloblastoma to a 5 year old kid? He knows he's sick, he probably doesn't care why he's sick. He knows already and it's hard to explain in more detail of what he already knows.

And I thought answering the birds and the bees question would be hard. This, this is hard.

And that's just touching the surface. I can tell he's got questions but afraid to ask them. He's got more questions than just being sick but questions about his parents, where they're at, why can't they come home right now, and so much more.

And with that, I seem to run out of all ideas and answers. I just smile at him with the most stupid look on my face as possible and hopefully that he'll forget everything.