I, am messed up. I can't think straight and I can't see straight. It's hard for me to find the motivation to do homework/assignments. I am messed up.
It took me months to finally admit that out loud, that I am truly messed up and I am truly not okay. And it took me even more time to finally decide go to talk to the school counselor. Thinking and hoping that they know the people that can help me. Because really, I am messed up.
I talked to the counselor for hours. I cried when I told her about Dad and I bawled when I told her about Mom and Sarah. She didn't say much, though, and parts of me felt like I wasted my time because the things she said, you can probably read it on one of those For Dummies book. She said that eventually, I'll come to accept the fact that Mom is no longer with us. Eventually she said and ya...eventually.
I wonder when that'll be.
Last night, I had a long talk over Skype with Ashlet, good friend of mine living in Hawaii. I didn't tell her everything that's going on in my heart but I broke down in front of her. I cried and sobbed because I missed Mom and the thought of "this just ain't fair" ran through my mind over and over again.
I told her my busy schedule of taking care of Sarah, high school, and college classes. I told her how lost I am in the world and wish that someone would just tell me what to do so I wouldn't have to think about it. I told her the frustration I have trying to decide whether or not Oatmeal Cereal or Rice Cereal is best for Sarah. I told her one of many reasons I can't go live with my Grandparents is because I am not ready. I am not ready to see where Mom lays every time I get back on the Ranch. Maybe in the future I will be able to but right now, I can't. I am not ready. I am not ready because my mind is still playing a trick on me, constantly.
There are just too many decisions I must make within the next couple months that are going to impact me for the rest of my life. And truly I don't know what to do. I got accepted to Kentucky, Ohio State, Texas A&M, and Florida. But as I read 'em acceptance letters, I hurt. I hurt because Mom isn't here sitting next to me reading the letters with me. I hurt because she isn't squeezing me tight in her bear hug as she tell me how proud she is of me. I hurt because I got into the schools I wanted to play football for. I hurt because I don't know what to do.
Even after the amount of times I called Sarah a whiny little $*%#^ I love her. I love her because she is my sister. I love her because she is part of Mom. And that is all I have left of Mom right now. I love her so much I do not want to ever leave her behind. Everything I do now is because of her and for her. And if Dad was here, I would be doing the same for Dad too. Because I do NOT want 'em to feel alone nor do I want to leave 'em behind. Ever.
Graduation is less than a month away. I already have college acceptance letters waiting for me. And I don't even know which schools I want to go to or if I should go to college. Going to college was a huge dream of mine. To be on my own would be amazing. To be dependent on my own and maybe Dosh would be freaking awesome. And my parents would agree, they wanted to kick me out as soon as possible.
But we never thought Mom would get sick. She did and now she's gone. That plan is different now. Leaving for college is different now. With Dad gone a lot of the times, Sarah would be alone. And when Dad is home, they would be alone, trying to fight through the days without Mom. Going to college is different now. I can't just leave for college without thinking about Sarah and Dad. People tell me there's relatives, my Grandparents, or even friends that would be there for Dad and Sarah when I'm gone. True but they don't live the life. They hear about it and feel for us. We are feeling it.
I am an Army Brat, I was taught at a young age to never leave anyone behind. I can still remember running laps with one of my classmates because he was the last one finishing up the mile. I ran with him even though people voiced their opinions. I did it because I don't leave anyone behind. And I am not about to leave anyone behind now. Especially not Dad or Sarah.
And going away to college, to me, is leaving Sarah and Dad behind. It's not the same when I can only visit 'em whenever I have break. And I know I will not be able to focus on schools miles away thinking about Dad and Sarah. I do not want to fail out of college nor do I want it on my record.
Going to live with a relative or Grandparents would mean leaving Dad behind. It'll mean that when Dad gets home from work, the house would be empty. It would mean that he would be living on his own or who knows, maybe he'll go back to the barracks. Dad is already dealing with work and the loss of his best friend, I don't think leaving him alone would be such a good idea. At all.
So you see, I don't know about college. I don't knwo what I'm doing to do, and truly, I can't even see straight or think straight. I just want Dad and Sarah to be okay and I sure as hell is going to do whatever I can to make sure they will be okay or at least have someone there for 'em when they are not.
I am in the middle of making one of the biggest decision in my life. Inside me I am FUBAR but I put on a smile for my friends and those that run into me. Inside though, that's a whole different story.
I love you Mama and we miss you terribly.
I love you Dad, please take care of yourself at work and come home soon.
I love you Sarah, even if all you do is cry, sleep, eat, and poop.
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