If I Could...

If I can look at your smile every day...I would.
If I can make you completely mine...I would.
If I can tell you my darkest fears and secrets...I would.

If I can pick you up from the ground and hug you like never before...I would.
If I can lift you up from the ground just to give you a kiss...I would.
If I can serve with you...I would.

If I can...I would.
If only I could.

Becoming Someone I Don't Want to Be

Awhile ago, I was talking Army with my good friend Edmin. I learned that he is off to to OSUT soon (or he's probably already there by now) and I told him that Nicole is going to OSUT too, just not on the same post nor the same MOS. He didn't know about Nicole and after I told him about the relationship Nicole and I have, he asked me:

"Aren't you worry about you and Nicole? Aren't you guys just starting your relationship?"

He was right, Nicole and I just started our relationship and when Edmin and I talked, Nicole and I were together for about a couple weeks. I thought about the question he asked me then told him that I'm not worried, that I trust Nicole and hopefully, she trusts me. I know in OSUT Nicole won't have a lot of time to goof off if even if she she wants to so truly, I'm not worried. As for me, I can tell you that I am not a person to mess around when I'm in a relationship with someone. Yes, people make mistakes, but this is a mistake I WON'T make.

Edmin and I then went on to talk about the Army life. And then, out of nowhere, I realized, that though Nicole is going to OSUT, it feels as if I'M going to OSUT. Whenever we talk, I'm telling her about OSUT, I'm telling her about the Army (even though she was practically born with combat boots on her feet) and so much more. And like the perfect girl, Nicole never disagrees nor have she ever tell me to stop talking about it.

I can remember years ago, looking at some of my friends' parents (not going to point fingers but I'm sure we all know those kind of parents) I made myself a promise that whenever I'm a parent, I won't EVER make my kids do what I wanted to do as a kid. I won't ever MAKE 'em play football, or MAKE 'em take piano lessons, but instead, to encourage 'em of what's out there and encourage 'em to spread their wings and explore the world. I promised myself that I will never force 'em to enlist just because I couldn't.

But subconsciously, I'm doing it right now. Subconsciously, I'm pushing and edging things onto Nicole and just finally realized what I was doing. And again, like the perfect girl she is, Nicole didn't disagree or argue about this fact but just listened to me talk. Like I'm pressing my dreams onto her. I'm becoming someone I don't want to be.

I'm sorry Sweetheart for doing that, I just realized what I'm doing. And I'm sorry.

Why, I'm not sure. How, subconsciously. What for, because I miss that life. I miss aiming for something I know I can achieve. And looking at my friends all leaving for basic or OSUT is making me wish I can tag along with 'em. I wish I got my orders to ship out and going away for how many weeks it takes to make me part of something greater than I am.

Guess we all can wish.

Let's just hope I can break this "habit" before I become a Dad. Because truly, I'd hate to turn into a Dad that I hate and don't want to be.

Forgive me Sweetheart, I'll try not to be pushy and edgy anymore. And cherish the time we have before you leave for OSUT.

People have been asking me how I'm doing and how we, as a family, are doing. Me, I'm doing alright between the stress of school, of awaiting college acceptance letters, and finishing up Senior year with something better than an "C". We, as a family, are doing alright also I guess. Still got a lot of things going on right now but still loads of laugh in the family. We're doing the best we can and just cherishing the time and so forth. Thank you everyone for checking in and see how we're doing. Again, we're all doing as alright as we can be.

Now back to working on the research papers (yes I know, I'm a Senior and got more research paper than a freaking Sophomore, lame) Procrastination is catching up to me!

Weekly Update

First off, for those who are wondering how I'm doing with the new blog, it's a work in progress. Since I'm back in school, I don't got as much time on my hands. So I'll try and get the test blog going and what not before making some huge changes to the main blog. Thank you for being patient with me as I get that sorted out and what not. Hopefully I can have the test blog up by the end of this weekend.

Now...onto several things that happened this week.

1. On Wednesday, I went to see my friend's Dad, who happens to be a Pastor at a Presbyterian Church nearby. We talked about nothing but religion. He told me a lot of things that I was just wondering about and well...after talking to him for an hour. I must say that I felt really good for some random reason and got this strange feeling that I've never got before. He gave me a lot of materials to read and after finishing up 3 little booklets of it, I'm glad I talked to him. I'm intrigued by the ways of the Presbyterian Church and so much more. Bits of me even wants to start going to a Presbyterian Service on Sundays just to see what's the difference between that and Mass.

If you don't know, I'm baptized into the Catholic Church, so well I don't know how my parents will feel talking to a Presbyterian Pastor about anything let along thinking of going to a Presbyterian Service. I do know what my Grandparents will do though if they ever find out. They'd probably throw a crazy fit and fly out here just to bitch at me.

Later that afternoon, I cried. Out of nowhere, just cried. Maybe it was the song I was listening to on my iPod or something but for some reason and at that moment I missed Sean so much, I cried. Wasn't for a long time, maybe 10 minutes or so while I shut myself in the bathroom and just cried. Now I hate crying and crying sure didn't make me feel better about anything around me so I don't even know why I cried. I was just missing the little guy is all.

2. Yesterday, Bama won against the Longhorns. Call me a "bad Texan" if you wish but I never was a Longhorns fan. Glad Crimson Tide won, extremely glad. I'm just going to post what I wrote on the day of the game.

"Sitting here hearing that McCoy won't be back for 2nd half got me thinking. When will coaches learn that you always got to train your backup player as if he's your star player. You don't leave a freshman hanging thinking that your star player is invisible. When will players learn that they got to train as hard as the star player and much more and always expect the what ifs. You can't go on your year thinking you might never play. I personally had to talk to my backup for hours just to get him going on the receiver spot when I got hurt. Truly, they say don't put all your eggs in one basket. And they're right."

3. Last night, I dreamed about football. Sure was nice to make a catch like that again on my own two feet. Sure is nice to hear the crowd and see my teammates out in that field. Just weren't happy I had to wake up because the alarm went off.

4. Before last night, I've been having the same dream over and over again. In my dream, I'm in my kitchen, telling my parents that I'm going to enlist. Next thing I know, I'm going to basic. Next thing I know, I'm back at home after OSUT. Next thing I know, I'm in the airport saying goodbye to my parents and Sarah because of a deployment to Afghanistan. I told my Dad I want to do SFAS when I get back. My Dad, being who he is, said to me: "There is nothing I can teach you that will prepare you for SFAS." after a long pause, he said, "when you come back, I'll show you what I know." I remember hugging and kissing my Mom. I remember holding and kissing Sarah and I remember shaking Dad's hands before leaving.

Then I heard a knock on the door while I was sitting in the living room. I saw my Mom answering the door. Two men dressed in their class A's were at the door. I held my breath, I knew they were CNOs. As my Mom asked 'em to come inside, I told my Mom to sit down next to me. We knew what was coming.

"The Secretary of the Army has asked me to express his deep regret that your son, Matthew was killed in action...The Secretary extends his deepest sympathy to you and your family in your tragic loss."

As my Mom sat on the couch crying, I couldn't believe it, I was sitting right there. I called her name but she wouldn't answer.

And just like that, I woke up. I don't know what this dream is trying to tell me or what kind of things may have happened. Just hope that this dream won't ever come back any time soon. I hate to see my Mom cry, when she hurts, I hurt, even if it's just in my dreams.

5. Today, I read an article on Major Nidal Malik Hasan from Time Magazine. The article had literally everything about Maj. Hasan, from his childhood life to his high school dreams and beyond. They even had pictures of where he was the morning of the shooting, pictures of the places he grew up in, everything. And let me tell you, it was 5 pages long. I read every single word of the article and first thing came to my mind was...

Why is it that in this world, articles are often published about the person who has done wrong. Why is it, that in this world, the media focus solely on the wrong doing of a person or the people? Why on earth, are we not reading about the life stories and dreams of the 13 victims at Ft. Hood?! Why are earth, are we not learning about their home-town, their high school buddies, their likes or dislikes, goals and aspirations?!

Articles and articles about such criminal acts are found everywhere. Colmbine, Virginia Tech, Ft. Hood, and so much more. We seems to know and heard everything about Eric Harris, Dylan Klebold, Seung-Hui Cho, and even Maj. Hasan but nothing about any of the victims of such criminal acts.

Why?

Anyways...that's it for this week, hopefully I'll have everything transferred to BlogSpot by the end of the month.

Thanks for being patient with me guys and as always, thanks for reading.

Can't Always Have What You Want

I'm on the flight home from California. A friend had a ballet performance of The Nutcracker so I thought I come out to CA to support her. I must say though I'm not a fan of shows like that, she did great. I'm extremely proud of her and I'm glad I made the trip out just to see her perform.

Now, as I am slowly flying out of California and working my way towards the Nevada border, I'm thinking of a lot of things that we want that we may not be able to get.

When we are young, the candy at the store seems like the best things to have. And even after we build up the courage to ask our parents, they tend to say no. And trying to get them to say yes, we cry, whine, and more. But that doesn't seem to work either. So thus, we end up crying our heads off when we leave the store.

We can't always have what we like and what we want.

As we get older and able to provide for ourselves, we try to full fill all the wants in our lives. Maybe your child wants a Transformer for Christmas. Maybe your husband wants a new XBOX and the new Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2. Maybe you want that iPhone or Droid you've been hearing so much about. And most of the time, those who can provide for themselves and their family do full fill every one's wants. (Maybe not every day, maybe say once a year, during Christmas)

But there are also times that you wish you can have something or even someone but sure it will never happen. It's as if you are sitting in your classroom, wishing that boy or girl would turn around and just notice you. Or even, that person will come out of their relationship to notice you, to see how much you are willing to provide for 'em just to make 'em happy .

We can't always have what we want.

I don't use the word "Love" very often. I hardly say it, I hardly type it, and I sure don't try to manipulate it into words like "ILY" or "ILYT". Love, like hate, is a strong emotion and I truly believe if used in the wrong context, you can hurt the person you are talking to. And worse, you may hurt yourself. Aside from my family, I try not to use the L word that often.

Nor do I believe that "Love" can be find without people meeting each other. Nor can a person fall for another without meeting and get to know the person. As technology gets better and better, I often laugh at the online dating sites that tend to sound so perfect for finding your "right match". Who wouldn't want to find their "right match" with just a few clicks? But is it truly possible? I don't believe it, not at all. Such thing couldn't have happen for two people who never met each other to suddenly "become the best match and live happily ever after" Can it? Is life truly like a fairy tale?

I don't believe it but why is this happening to me. I didn't know her a year ago. I have never met her, I've only met her online and talked to her through chat rooms and Skype. And now, 11 months later, I think I'm slowly falling for her. Seeing her name makes me happy. Hearing her voice makes me smile. Her words make me laugh, her personality shines through the screen. And every time I talk to her on Skype, all the troubles of my day seem to disappear.

I think of her often, even when I'm not on the computer I think of her name. When I don't talk to her, I hope and pray that she is ok and life is treating her well. Hearing her talk about her troubles makes my heart ache. Hearing her talk about her shitty day makes me wish there is something I can do to make it better. To make everything better.

We can't always have what we want.

And that is very true. As much as I'd like to get to know her better and truly get to know her, it will most likely not happen. She is having a relationship trouble her own and caught between the past with a former (also current?) boyfriend and looking into the future. I can't get myself to interrupt anything that will ruin her mindset and disrupt her. As much as I think I'm falling for her and would love to get to know her better, I just want her happy. Even if it makes my heart ache every time she talks about her relationship problems and troubles, I'll listen and hope that my words can some what cheer her up, my ears can some how release her worries and troubles. I just want her happy.

We can't always have what we want.
But I sure wish I can. I'm falling for her and I don't know what to do.

To this person: (who probably never reads my blog) I am falling for you. I ache with you when you ache, I'm sad with you when you're sad. And when you smile and laugh, it sure makes my day a whole lot better knowing that you are happy.

One night you talked about the man you are looking for and the things that you don't like in a man. As those words flow through my headphones, I ache knowing that I am that man that you are looking for. I ache knowing that I most likely will never have the chance to prove it to you. And most of all, I ache knowing that you are not happy. That though the past with him were great, you are looking for something and someone better.

I know that anything I am feeling now may just what other people call "small crush" and that this feeling leads to nothing but a dead end, but I am telling you now, I am falling for you.

Whatever happens, I wish you well, I wish you happy, and all the smiles are pure joy and not a cover for the hurt and pain that is within you.

We can't always have what we want.
But I'd sure love to have her.

Oregon v Oregon St, 37-33

USC v Arizona, 21-17
Alabama v Florida, 32-13 (GO BAMA!)

Cal at Washington, 42-10

Texas at Nebraska, 13-12 (Truly thought Texas would score more points against Nebraska, guess not they're not as good as we thought...)

Deal with it...

I think many of us have things that we don't wish to talk about, even to our parents or closest friends. Even within this blog, I have things that I keep in private for my eyes only so I won't feel the need to hear criticism and more. There are things I don't wish to talk about and even my dog will probably never know.

I must say, though, I have been through a lot of things people might not know. And let's leave it at that.

Yesterday, after I posted "I should have…" blog, a good friend of mine (let's keep her name K for now.) asked me if I ever associate myself with PTSD.

I've read plenty of articles and talked to people to know that I just might have the possibility of having PTSD. But really, I don't wish to know the truth. I know plenty of people (Dad included) who have gone through plenty. People who truly knows what is going on and truly need help.

K told me...yes it's true but that's them and this...this is about you.

And though bits of me know what's going on, over all, I don't wish to know about anything. Yes I get nightmares, yes I see things, I hear things but I won't ever tell the story to everyone. If someone finds out, so be it. But this...this is something I can't explain. It happens and I tend to deal with it best way I know how. By not dealing with it at all. (As bad as that sounds...it "works", I guess)

Maybe because that way I feel as if there really is something wrong with me. Maybe it's my hiding place to think of myself as a sane person, as a normal 18 year old kid dreaming big and more.

I told K I'd think about this PTSD issue more and that writing is my way out right now. But truth is...writing only takes me thus far. Writing is good and it shall forever be good but shit still happens.

And when it does, like I have said before. I deal with it best I know how. By not doing anything at all.

I have many problems, I have many enemies.
And biggest one, is probably me.

"Nightmares are dreams gone sour."

The day I saw that Honda commercial, I laughed. They talked about dreams and nightmares about how each of us can use the power of dreams to envision the world and how they at Honda all dream that what they do will make the future generations a better place. Some doctor and author named Deepak Chopra, M.D. said, "Dream by in large are the expression of the human spirit for creativity and imagination. Nightmares are dreams that have gone sour."

When I heard it the first time, I laugh, chuckled and said out loud. "No shit, Sherlock!" And this morning, waking up short breathed, cold head, and small amount of sweat on my head, I'm starting to think about my sour dream. Of which, I might add, have been getting for years now. In fact there's a lot of things that's been happening for awhile but that's for me to keep secret, for now.

I like dreams, I like to dream about the what ifs and a lot of the times, the dreams make me a lot happier before I went to bed. But even a good dream can make waking up a dread and make the morning coffee smell like a piece of ass. When I was a kid, I'd used to dream of being a firefighter, putting out fires like my uncles would do. I even dream of being just like my dad, jumping out of airplanes and fight the bad guys.

As I got older, I started to visualize what I'd want to do. Playing football for Ohio State or even Florida and even who knows, the Cowboys. In my dreams I'd be catching a big one and score that key winning touchdown.

And without knowing it, my dreams gone sour, real fast.

The dream I remember wasn't just a dream, it was also my past. (So call it whatever you want, but I'll just call it a nightmare) Dream started out great, the sun was shining and it was another day of my life. My life of putting the pads on my shoulders and get out on the field to do what I do best. Dad was home on his leave and for once, this was going to be a great day. And boom, like that, it turned sour.

I could hear the crowd gasping, I could hear my teammates calling my name and I could hear the loud-speakers notifying that unless you are family, you need to remain in your seat. And like a recording, I can hear my trainer yelling repeatedly, "squeeze my hand" but like a dead weight I lay there, nothing.

I woke up to my hearing my own heavy breathing, my eyes staring at the ceiling of Sean's room, my arms shaking. "Nightmares are dreams gone sour." Dr. Chopra said, and I believe that now, strongly.

Faith have a funny way of working things out. Just a year after my injury, Buffalo Bills' Kevin Everett was hurt on the field. I remember sitting in my chair thinking, "Oh no" while staring at this

Everett on September 9th, 2007

and a year later, looking at the same Everett, I wonder if this nightmare turn sweet again, ever. I wonder if people realize not all of us are as lucky as Everett but still, we live on because we're lucky. We're lucky to be alive.

Everett on September 7, 2008

Dreams, my friends, are creativity and imagination. So dream on, people, dream on.

Sure be nice to do something else for a change...

That's exactly how I feel right now. It'd sure be nice to do something else for a change. It'd be nice to be able to do what I've wanted to do for many years. It'd be nice to go for a real jog, even for a day, or an hour even.

At 0500, friends somehow got on the topic of military and just like that, my day seem to get from okay to worse. Just like that...weird isn't it.

I have a lot of family members and friends in the military. And from a young age the thought about joining the military and following everyone's footsteps was one of the dreams I've had. It was to a point I am willing to give up football to continue this family tradition. I still remember elementary school, I told my Dad I wanted to be just like him, be in the Army and do great things. He smiled at me and said, "Great." I still remember during junior high school, I told my Dad I want to join the Marines and got a slap upside the head followed by, "way to be a jar."

Why does that seem so distant right now...a small dream, a wish no longer exist. A dream to be a part of something great is no longer possible.

"If I'm gonna go I'll go all the way and be a Marine." was what a friend said.

If it's possible...I want to be a Marine too.
If it's possible...

Lord, please don't let these tears fall...
Please guide me in my time of need...

Sure be nice to do something else for a change...

One of those days...

If you're not fund of people bitching out and being all "emo" I suggest you stop reading right now. Don't say I didn't warn you because yes, I am having a very very bad day and really, just one of those days.

During a times when technology is so powerful, I at times found it amazing what the power of the internet can teach you about the world and even the people.

From one stranger's word about football, all-American, championship rings. You tend to wonder if all of it was even true. But in the back of your head, you can't help but wonder the what ifs. And today...this Friday morning, I am wondering what if. I am thinking the "sure be nice to do something for a change"

You read the words and wondering if the person on the other end of it actually know what he's talking about. You wonder if he will ever take your advice and somewhere in the back of your head, you wonder if you could ever be who you want to be many years ago.

Playing for Ohio State, USC, or even Florida was my dream. Playing college football, no matter what school, was my ultimate happiness. From the days of running the plays during football camp to summer training, it was my life. I truly was happy. I couldn't wait for the night to be over with and day to start just so I can put on the pads and go running for miles. I was on top of the world and really I could care less where I run to and how far. I was having fun and I was happy.

Seems sort of funny now thinking back to the bets everyone in the family made with another about who will have the most yards by the time they graduate high school. We even had all the records written down on paper. And seems like every morning, it'd be on the fridge calling out my name, calling me out to motivate me to get just one yard farther than I did before.

I never thought myself to be an over achiever or even someone who set outrageous goals. Thinking maybe, just maybe I can get enough yards to fill a football field worth, I'd be happy. I still remember the sheet of paper on our fridge, every morning I'd take a look at it and every morning, that number stared right back at me.

Funny when you even set goals for one game and my first official game, I gave myself a small number for no other reason other than I want to have fun. Nothing but good old American football and a couple hits, couple yards and nothing else would matter. I still remember my Dad jokingly said to me, "Get 5 TDs and I will buy you a car, no I will buy you anything."

And to think I was even close enough to hit that mark...

Now, almost 3 years later, I am wondering the what ifs. I am wondering what would have happened that night and how many TDs and yards I would have gained. My mind started to wonder and slowly...what once was my happiness turned into hungry vultures eating slowly away at my heart and soul.

I'm not going to lie, I threw things I broke things to try and release this anger, this sadness and pain. But I am constantly reminded of what happened. Of who I am now and who I will be for a long time. And really, once your mind start to wonder, it's hard to pull it back.

It'd be great if I can do something else for a change...even if it's just for a couple hours...