FUBAR

Right now, I'm wondering if this is how Sean felt. I'm wondering if this is how people in the hospital feel as the IVs drips and machine beeping and the nurses constantly checking up on you. Do you not know the meaning of a well deserved rest? No wonder people lose pounds when they're in (and if these nurses are civilians, I'd probably bitch 'em out. Too bad I can't, some of 'em are even Captains, let's not get smoked later on just cause I bitched out an O-3) so instead of getting sleep, I'm getting nurses visit and machine beeping. Really, I'm not dying, I just, want to go home.

There's too many things that need to be taken care of. Things need to be brought before the baby comes and not to mention I need to get use to the accessible crib and so much more. In just a week or two, I'll no longer be an only child. And truth be told, I'm excited for this new life and adventure.

Mom's been talking about names again. She really like the name Sarah (meaning princess) but I told her it's too original. She haven't even got a middle name in mind either. I swear this baby just might be nameless till Dad gets home. (Can they do that?!) Either way, she's ready for the baby to pop out and she's ready to push all the baby chores to me. Guess one thing good is that she won't have these strange cravings at the strangest hours.

Aside from the home events, drama still continues at school. Loads of college applications to finish and homework to do. Though I got to say how great some friends are who decided to stop buy so we can have a study group and college apps party. Never thought senior year could be this crazy...

I do have a request for my readers. Do you guys think it'd be a good idea for me to use one of my blogs as part of the essay? Meaning to just copy and paste it? If so, which one is good? (Just like to take a vote and see what's people's view on it.)

I think when I'm bored and really nothing to do it's when I go through stuff and think and wonder about others. While flipping through some of my stuff on the computer, I discovered poems I made just out of random. They're mostly (or I think all of 'em are) military related. Reading all of 'em back to myself, I'm starting to wonder if I should publish it or something. I mean, it's be cool.

There's just so much going through my mind right now it's not even funny. School, college, Sean, Dad, Mom, the baby, Dosh, Airborne, and just so much more.

I've been reading up on the DoD release and the thought of units being rotated worries me, makes me wonder and makes me wish for a lott of things. Been hearing a lot about Basic/Boot Camp/RTC, AIT/Tech School/A-school from my friends and well...with each conversation, my heart aches and crumbles while my face is covered in laughs and smiles. I still see myself joining, I still go see the recruiters daily, I still see myself in ACUs, doing drills, in formations, PTing, and so much more. But, well...guess seeing is crazy in this case. I may joke around that often but seeing friends and family in the service is slowly eating me away, just not sure I'll lose it.

Or maybe I already have...seeing things that I hope ain't real, dreaming things that can't come true. Little things in life, gestures, actions make me flinch, every tackle I see is me, and laying in this bed with the IVs and this stupid mask, I want to just give up, to let it all go. If I had no one, none at all, that's what I'd do. I'd just say bye to it and flip it off. But no, that ain't an option, I got to keep it up for Mom, Dad, and the new baby. If it wasn't for 'em...

I'd be hanging out with Sean right now. With Sean, Mr. Reagon, Mr. Charles, Mr. Jackson, and all the fallen heroes...

God damn, I am fucked up. I need a drink or at least a smoke. I don't even remember when I started smoking...just did and even with my paralysis, I made it work.
How? I just did...
Why? Because...
Will I get in trouble? I'm not sure, nor do I care...old enough to drive, die for my country (or lack there of) I'm sure smoking ain't shit (nor is drinking for that matter)

After so long, I think I'll finally say it and release it to the world. Me, Matthew QKnuckles, is FUBAR. More FUBAR than anyone know or imagine.

My life is a mirror, you'll see me as me but you won't ever know the real me...
Like I said,
I'm FUBAR
FUBAR!

Since I was feeling good at all for last week's football game, here's the score:
Cal at UCLA, 45-26
USC at Notre Dame, 34-27

Army at Temple, 27-13
Oregon- Bye Week
Texas A&M at Kansas State, 62-14
Alabama vs South Carolina, 20-6
Ohio St at Purdue, 26-18
Oklahoma at Texas, 16-13
Navy at Southern Methodist, 38-35

Maryland vs Virginia, 20-9
UMiami at UCF, 27-7
Texas Tech at Nebraska, 31-1
Virginia Military Institute vs Stony Brook, 27-20

Air Force vs Wyoming, 10-0


Florida vs Arkansas, 23-20
LSU- Bye Week
Michigan vs Delaware State, 63-6
Washington at Arizona State, 17-24

Winning teams are in bold

And below is this week's game results:
Army vs Rutgers, 27-10

Ohio St vs Minnesota, 38-7

Maryland at Duke, 17-13

Virginia Military Institute at Presbyterian, 31-20

Washington v Oregon, 43-19

Alabama vs Tennessee, 12-10 One of the most amazing game I've ever seen. Go Bama!
Oklahoma at Kansas, 35-13
Navy vs Wake Forest, 13-10
Michigan vs Penn State, 35-10
UMiami vs Clemson, 40-37 OT

Air Force at Utah, 23-16

Cal vs Washington State, 49-17

UCLA at Arizona, 27-13

Texas A&M at Texas Tech, 52-30 Go Aggies! :D

Florida at Mississippi State, 29-19
LSU vs Auburn, 31-10

USC vs Oregon State, 42-36

Sick but Alive

First off, thanks for everyone's get well wishes. Can't thank you all enough

Second, I'm hating my Mom for writing that last blog, way to embarrass me, Mom.

It's been a crazy last couple of days and well, I'm alive just not yet well. I came in the hospital with AD (Autonomic Dysreflexia) and expected to be treated for just that but some how, I got sicker. Fever, puking up, you name it. Just not good last couple of days. So the doctor did some tests to find out I not only have a liver infection but also kidney infections to go with it. When I heard it, I was about to shot someone. Really, with my injury, anything can kill me before I know it. So I guess in a way I'm glad I came to the hospital to be treated for AD, without this trip, I'd probably never really realize I was sick.

Anyways, for those who are wondering, I'm still feeling out of it and feeling pretty sick. Laying in the hospital bed with the machine beeping and the IVs dripping (oh look I've turn into a "rapper" since I've been here, great! NOT!) but I'm here ain't I? My fever is still flexing up and down but with 'em knowing what's wrong with me, I'm pretty sure these meds they're giving me will make me better soon. Hopefully, actually, really hoping I'll be out of here and get back to school. Can't imagine the amount of work I got to and on top of the college applications. (I've been trying to work on some homework but meh, sick as a dog, going need to catch up later on)

Anyways, thank you again everyone for the get well wishes. Really hoping I'll be out of this place soon and into the "normal" routine.

Long Journey through Life

At 0250 early Thursday morning, I slowly realized that I am no longer a junior. And somehow...even though I want time to slow down, in the same time, I want time to speed up. With what's ahead of my life, the move, with Sean, with school and friends from all over the world, I just can't hold in the excitement.

And at times...I wonder what is best. With Sean, everything I do to him, in someways, I think is as if a superhero is doing it. He likes standing in the bathroom while I shave in the morning, he likes watching me put on my shoes, not to mention he likes watching me have breakfast and rush him to the car to start off our day.

But to me, I wonder if this is all right for him. I wonder what he can not communicate, I wonder what his head would say to me if it would talk. About the pain, the hurt, or even how scare it is to never reach its full potential. While thinking that...I just wouldn't know how to answer.

And when he come out of the bathroom after puking for several minutes. He let out a smile and said, let's read. I wonder how he does it and I wonder how millions of people who get affected by cancer do it.

People tell me my life is hard. What I go through is hard with the paralysis, the school, home, and friends. But really, looking at Sean and a good friend of mine, this ain't so bad, really, it ain't.

And somehow in turn I lay in bed at night wondering if there was something more that I can do for Sean and others. If there was anything I can even say to them that would just make them feel that much better.

And I still haven't come up with an answer. And truthfully...I don't think I can rest until I do.

To the person reading this in the future. I no longer know how to sleep. I no longer how to rest. And hearing you talk and asking me questions if I would go to bed, of course I would, just to settle you. But truth is...I have lost my ability to sleep and rest.

It's not because of the recent activities. Trust me, it's not. This have been going on for awhile now...

And maybe too long.
Who knows....

It's 0300...if Sean can get some sleep...I think I'll go for a run. If he can't sleep, I think I'll take him on a run with me.

And may the rain fall down on our faces to finally wash away the troubles, the hurt, the pain, and the sleepless nights.