I've Decided

I've been weighing this on my mind ever since Mom passed away. And for weeks I tried to put it in the back of my mind. I kept telling myself that I'll deal with it later when it comes up. I didn't want to think about this because making this decisions meaning pulling myself in 3 or even 4 different directions. It'll make me hurt, it'll make me wonder about the what ifs and it'll make me wish more that Mom never left.

So I put it off because we can't turn back time and I can't bring my Mama back. Though I wish I can, even if it means trading my own life.

So days went by of me busy with school and trying to ride out the rest of my senior year. Weeks went by of me busy with life and taking care of Sarah that I truly put this subject in the back of my head. But as the end of May and graduation draws closer and closer, this thing started to crawl back like a freaking cockroach.

So I sat in my car one day and thought long and hard about this decision. I thought about a lot of different things, I thought about Sarah, I thought about Dad and I thought about myself and my dreams. I thought about the years when I ran the bases with all my might so "I can play ball!" I thought about the years that football seems like the only thing that truly matters to me. And when I made up my mind, I thought about a "good" way to tell Dad when he gets home. I thought about a "good" way to tell my Grandparents. And even after I told 'em my decision, I still don't know if what I said to 'em was a "good" one.

I put off telling my Grandparents until after graduation, until the end of the dinner and events, until the guests left the house. Until I couldn't put it off anymore and I told my Grandparents my decision.

To my surprise, my Grandparents took it well. Grandpa didn't shook his head or sigh and Grandma didn't urged me to think about this just "one more time" They didn't say anything but nodded their heads. Maybe they didn't say anything this time because they are so disappointed in me, they have nothing to say....I truly hope this isn't the case. And now sitting alone in my house, I wonder if Mom would be okay with my decision, I wonder what Mama is saying in Heaven. I wonder if she's mad at me or if she's just yelling like there's no tomorrow. I wish there's a way for me to know...

I decided I'm not going away for college.

I applied to 7 schools and got into 4 schools (Kentucky, Ohio State, Florida, Texas A&M) and though I am extremely happy for those 4 schools for accepting me to their university, I am not going away for college and I will deny attendance in all 4 schools.

Call me all you want or think of me less if you want to. I don't care. Because I can't do it, I just can't go away to college without thinking about Sarah and about Dad. I can't go miles away thinking that Sarah's alone or at my Grandparents without Dad or me. I can't imagine her sad days of missing Mama without me or Dad I just can't do it. People kept asking me if there were any other way, there might be but I really don't want to take chances. Call me all you want but truly, I can't do it, I can't leave Sarah here.

But don't you guys fucking call my Dad names and think of him as selfish for not retiring now and think of him as a bad parent. Because I know where he's coming from. I know he is seeing the big picture and want the best for the both of us. Mama's not here anymore and things we used to have may only last so long. There are just too many things to think about and I know Dad's looking at the big picture. He's looking at the big picture even when he lost his best friend and his love. I trust him, he's my Dad.

And before you go into a rant about my bad decision, I said I'm not going away for college but that doesn't mean I'm not going to college. I'm already taking college classes at the local community college (15 units right now) and talking to counselors about which A.A degree will be good for me and the possibility of transferring to elsewhere for my B.A or maybe even Ph.D. degree. I know how important having an education is so I won't throw that completely away.

This just means that I won't be going away for college. I won't be partying at some frat house and getting myself drunk every week. I won't be living in a dorm or sitting at the students section of the football stadium. I won't be able to hear the noises during March with my own ears. I won't be able to go around checking out college girls and thinking about Nicole.

But I'll be with Sarah and I'll get my degree, you can count on that.

Mama, I truly hope you were at graduation today. I know I've told you it's just a little sheet of paper but I really wish that you saw it when I put it up to the sky for you. I also truly hope that you aren't mad or upset and disappointed with this college decision I've made. I just want what's best for Sarah and Dad. I really do. I love you Mama, please don't be disappointed.

The Tears Behind the Smile

I, am messed up. I can't think straight and I can't see straight. It's hard for me to find the motivation to do homework/assignments. I am messed up.

It took me months to finally admit that out loud, that I am truly messed up and I am truly not okay. And it took me even more time to finally decide go to talk to the school counselor. Thinking and hoping that they know the people that can help me. Because really, I am messed up.

I talked to the counselor for hours. I cried when I told her about Dad and I bawled when I told her about Mom and Sarah. She didn't say much, though, and parts of me felt like I wasted my time because the things she said, you can probably read it on one of those For Dummies book. She said that eventually, I'll come to accept the fact that Mom is no longer with us. Eventually she said and ya...eventually.

I wonder when that'll be.

Last night, I had a long talk over Skype with Ashlet, good friend of mine living in Hawaii. I didn't tell her everything that's going on in my heart but I broke down in front of her. I cried and sobbed because I missed Mom and the thought of "this just ain't fair" ran through my mind over and over again.

I told her my busy schedule of taking care of Sarah, high school, and college classes. I told her how lost I am in the world and wish that someone would just tell me what to do so I wouldn't have to think about it. I told her the frustration I have trying to decide whether or not Oatmeal Cereal or Rice Cereal is best for Sarah. I told her one of many reasons I can't go live with my Grandparents is because I am not ready. I am not ready to see where Mom lays every time I get back on the Ranch. Maybe in the future I will be able to but right now, I can't. I am not ready. I am not ready because my mind is still playing a trick on me, constantly.

There are just too many decisions I must make within the next couple months that are going to impact me for the rest of my life. And truly I don't know what to do. I got accepted to Kentucky, Ohio State, Texas A&M, and Florida. But as I read 'em acceptance letters, I hurt. I hurt because Mom isn't here sitting next to me reading the letters with me. I hurt because she isn't squeezing me tight in her bear hug as she tell me how proud she is of me. I hurt because I got into the schools I wanted to play football for. I hurt because I don't know what to do.

Even after the amount of times I called Sarah a whiny little $*%#^ I love her. I love her because she is my sister. I love her because she is part of Mom. And that is all I have left of Mom right now. I love her so much I do not want to ever leave her behind. Everything I do now is because of her and for her. And if Dad was here, I would be doing the same for Dad too. Because I do NOT want 'em to feel alone nor do I want to leave 'em behind. Ever.

Graduation is less than a month away. I already have college acceptance letters waiting for me. And I don't even know which schools I want to go to or if I should go to college. Going to college was a huge dream of mine. To be on my own would be amazing. To be dependent on my own and maybe Dosh would be freaking awesome. And my parents would agree, they wanted to kick me out as soon as possible.

But we never thought Mom would get sick. She did and now she's gone. That plan is different now. Leaving for college is different now. With Dad gone a lot of the times, Sarah would be alone. And when Dad is home, they would be alone, trying to fight through the days without Mom. Going to college is different now. I can't just leave for college without thinking about Sarah and Dad. People tell me there's relatives, my Grandparents, or even friends that would be there for Dad and Sarah when I'm gone. True but they don't live the life. They hear about it and feel for us. We are feeling it.

I am an Army Brat, I was taught at a young age to never leave anyone behind. I can still remember running laps with one of my classmates because he was the last one finishing up the mile. I ran with him even though people voiced their opinions. I did it because I don't leave anyone behind. And I am not about to leave anyone behind now. Especially not Dad or Sarah.

And going away to college, to me, is leaving Sarah and Dad behind. It's not the same when I can only visit 'em whenever I have break. And I know I will not be able to focus on schools miles away thinking about Dad and Sarah. I do not want to fail out of college nor do I want it on my record.

Going to live with a relative or Grandparents would mean leaving Dad behind. It'll mean that when Dad gets home from work, the house would be empty. It would mean that he would be living on his own or who knows, maybe he'll go back to the barracks. Dad is already dealing with work and the loss of his best friend, I don't think leaving him alone would be such a good idea. At all.

So you see, I don't know about college. I don't knwo what I'm doing to do, and truly, I can't even see straight or think straight. I just want Dad and Sarah to be okay and I sure as hell is going to do whatever I can to make sure they will be okay or at least have someone there for 'em when they are not.

I am in the middle of making one of the biggest decision in my life. Inside me I am FUBAR but I put on a smile for my friends and those that run into me. Inside though, that's a whole different story.

I love you Mama and we miss you terribly.
I love you Dad, please take care of yourself at work and come home soon.
I love you Sarah, even if all you do is cry, sleep, eat, and poop.

Silent and Emptiness

On the way home yesterday, I had the random thought of wheeling to school on Earth Day. No, I'm not trying to start something, I just felt like doing it. So today, I did just that. I "walked" to school. 3.7 miles away and it only took me an hour and of course, I "walked" back also. So HA to all those extreme tree hugging people out there. I did my part for Earth Day, I went 7.4 miles just to travel to school from home and back. So HA.

Today was one of those up and down days. Classes and school went okay, (though I sat through one of the most amazing lecture I have ever heard) chores were chores and well...I got both rejection letters (from Maryland and Oklahoma) and acceptance letter (from Kentucky) in the mail. As I look up and saw Mom's car in the driveway, I somehow smiled. I rushed into the house with the letters on my lap, opened the door to an empty house. I don't know what I was thinking. Maybe I wanted to show Mom that I got accepted to Kentucky, my fall back school. I don't know but I guess I forgot. So I went in the empty and silence house, made copies of both the rejection and acceptance letter and burned the copy.

Maybe this way, Mom would know how the applications result.

For the rest of the night, I turned off the NFL Draft. I was no longer in the mood. I sat there and wondered what I wanted for dinner. I wondered about a lot of things actually. About Mom and Dad, about Sarah, about college, school, and friends. And slowly I felt this hole inside of me getting bigger and deeper. The silent is killing me. The emptiness is killing me. The decisions, the thoughts, everything.

They are all slowly killing me.
But I don't know how to make 'em stop. So, I just let 'em chew my heart out slowly and let 'em dig this hole. It's hurting so bad I am numb and don't feel anything anymore. If that makes any sense. It freaking hurts

I have a lot of decisions I need to make. And I don't know what to do...

For those of you keeping track:

Accepted:
Kentucky

Rejected:
Miami
Maryland
Oklahoma

Still waiting to hear back:
Florida
Ohio St
Texas A&M

Time Management

I'm not sure why this is happening...

For the last couple weeks, I told myself that I need a hour or so nap so I can function throughout my day, so I can have the energy to wake up from the nap feeling refreshed. So I can do my homework and assignments from both high school and college.

That never happened.

That, meaning, I never woke up from my so called "hour nap." Well, I actually did wake up and somehow turned off my alarm and then fell back asleep. When I open my eyes again, it was 0430 or 0530. Which means I wake up just in time to get ready for my day. This means that I never woke up in the middle of the night, which means that assignments weren't done. And that means the assignments weren't turned in. We're not talking about puny high school assignments, the work that's not getting done are college assignments. Assignments that the instructors DO NOT take late.

I'm thinking this is a huge FML, what do you guys think?

Anyways, I'm not sure why this is happening. Never before have I have the problem of waking up in the middle of the night to finish up my homework. Never before have I miss an assignment, let alone a college assignment. And now, it happened more than twice in the matter of two weeks.

I think I'm horrible with time management

I don't know what I'm doing wrong or what I'm doing. I don't know why this is suddenly happening and truly don't want to push every reasoning to the fact that Mom passed away. So I'm kind of lost and at the same time frustrated. I am NOT a fan of waking up and realizing I am late for class or school. I am NOT a fan of having Sarah as my alarm clock and I am certainly NOT a fan of not turning my assignments in on time.

But I don't know how to fix this situation.

That's the one only problem. Other thing is that I am finding myself losing motivation to do a lot of things, especially homework/assignments. Just like this past weekend, I told myself I need to finish all my homework on Saturday but that never happened. Now, days later, I am stomped with assignments that were supposed to be due last week: read 5 chapters and finish reading assignments; 2 staff reports; 3 section of math homework; math take home quiz; English paper and a lot more stuff I can't remember right now.

Needless to say, once again, I am frustrated. This have never happened before in my life and now, I am finding myself procrastinate more often, losing motivation to do my work, sleeping in when I'm not supposed to, not turning in my assignments, and so much more.

I'm at a loss cause on what I can do to fix this problem. I send an email to Dad earlier today and well...I have a feeling I'm going to get my butt smoked out for these reasons. I just don't know how to manage my time with what I need to do: take care of Sarah; take care of the chores around the house; make sure I get my high school and college assignments in; study for high school and college test/quiz; get to school on time; make sure I go to my Physical Therapy sessions (Confessions time, I haven't been to PT for weeks) and actually get a good night sleep (or at least not sleep through the night when I'm supposed to be doing my assignments)

Guess I know how single parent feels now. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.
If you have any ideas how I can manage my time better, please contact me or tweet/DM me because I need help. I can't make a habit of not turning in assignments, it'll hurt and kill my college GPA/grades, the grades/GPA that truly matters.

Time management and Matt does NOT get along, at all.
Hopefully we will get along soon, for my grades/health's sake.

We Regret to Inform...

For some reason, I'm not taking those words too hard. Guess I'm at a point where I am just sick of waiting for the colleges and even the letter of rejection makes me happy that I FINALLY heard from 'em.

You read me right, I got my first college rejection letter today. From University of Miami. It's a typical rejection letter. They tell you how "great" you are but since there's so many "great" applicants out there, they're "sorry" that you've been denied.

Miami isn't on my top 3, nor is is on my top 5. So I guess in some ways getting rejected from Miami ain't the end of the world. I just find it funny how well they put together a rejection letter and let you know you can still try to appeal this rejection. But most likely you'll probably end up getting rejected again, but hey it's worth a try.

So now that I got denied to Miami, I wonder if I should still visit...maybe I should just to go show 'em my ass and say a big SCREW YOU to 'em. Or I guess Mom and I can just enjoy Florida without trying to rush to the tours and so on.

Rejection. What a life.

P.S. Want to thank my readers for the comments you guys submitted. Just letting you all know that I answer those comments with another comment. Now, I'm not sure if my followers get all the comments that's been entered, but if you don't and would like to be added onto the email list, let me know through either Twitter or Contact me.

College Visits and more

After this trip to University of Kentucky, University of Maryland, and Ohio State, I've decided to move Kentucky as my last choice and then Maryland and Ohio State will be on my top three choices.

I Don't Know What To Do

There's been some family drama lately so I haven't been in the mood for writing. But right now, I'm kind of not sure what to do with my life.

As I have mentioned in my other blog entry I've applied to 7 universities. They are in no particular order or why I picked the schools. (Other than the fact that they are all football schools and the programs they offer)

There are the schools I applied to again.
1. Oklahoma
2. Oho State
3. Texas A&M/Kentucky
4. Maryland
5. Florida
6. UMiami

Back then, when I was applying to schools, I had my heart on being an OT (Occupational Therapist) I wanted to help people who are in my situation. I wanted to teach 'em what I learn from rehab and also what I learn from living in the real world.

So...not exactly sure how everything works, I asked my OT and PT if I can see what they do and see if they got any advice for me. It was nice of 'em to let me shadow 'em for two hours as I see what they do on a daily basis and also answered my question.

It was a great experience and truly glad I ask 'em about everything. When I heard "you may not be working directly with SCI, it might be something else, say TBI or something like that."

I wasn't happy when I heard that. I don't got anything against other injuries and truly would love to help others to get back to the "normal" life as my OT/PT once did. I truly would love to work with people with SCI. By the time I finish my undergrad program, the Master program, I'll have a lot of experience living as a SCI. I think it's a great way to help the people who just got SCI.

But when I heard the possibility (huge one also) of not being able to work with people with SCI, first thought that came to my mind. "If I can't work with people with SCI, then what's the point?"

So at this point in my life...I'm thinking...what do I do now? Should I keep pursuit Kinesiology and then on to do OT work? Or should I just forget this plan and move onto the other?

I applied to the schools base on Kinesiology, so if I decide not to go with Kinesiology, am I well fucked? (sorry for the colorful language)

What do I do? Should I change my plans? What am I going to do?

I've been thinking of talking to my parents about this subject but with the drama going on, I'm not sure if I'll ever do that until things just settles down.

But as of now, the plans probably are going to change. And as of now, this is the new plan. Unless I can think of something. Or I guess I'm just going to work at McDonald's for the rest of my life.

Plan A: Criminology and History (Double Major or Majoring/Minoring)
Plan B: Aerospace/Electrical/Mechanical Engineering (Just one Engineering, in that order of choice)
Plan C: Economics and Finance (Double Major or Majoring/Minoring)

I don't know what to do with my life...maybe I am going to flip burgers for the rest of my life...

Heads Up

I think being here for 2 weeks, I've notice something about the hospital on post and how different it can be to a civilian hospital. (Now I'm comparing this to the experience I had with civies hospitals, I know there are good ones out there, but this is just what I'm base on at the hospital and rehab after I got hurt)

Evans U.S. Army Hospital, 1997

1. Nurses/docs here care (or what seem like it) more than civies doc. They take time to talk to you. Not those awkward conversations and small talks but really talk to you.In other words, they can truly relation to everyone there in one way or another. They know what it's like to deploy, have family deploy, and so on.

2. Though the hospital building seem small and old, within the building is just amazing. Ya it's probably not the best technology out there but really, the Army hook you up with some cool rooms and well not to mention they got decent food out there. Food that I can actually see what it is.

3. Though naggy, the nurses are still pretty cool. Most of them , are fairly young and well enough to ask you about shows like House rather than some shows that's been off air for ages.

4. Some docs and nurses ain't afraid to joke around. They ain't scared to scare you just as a joke or for a nice laugh. Really, it's hilariously what they'll say to you just to either make you feel that much better or make your day better.

5. Unlike the hospital I stay at when I got hurt, these guys actually act like they love this job and that us, the patients, aren't just a chore that needs to be done.

Those are just for now, we'll see how long I stay here to find their flows (nagging, bothering, of course, the norm is given)

East Entrance of Evans U.S. Army Hospital, 2001

So, given the free time I got laying around, I get most of things done. Things as in homework and what not. Tests are mostly excused, bring home, or just done when I get back to school. As far as college goes, the list remains (Florida, Ohio State, Kentucky, Texas A&M, Maryland, Oklahoma, UMiami) and well lately I've been thinking a lot about my top 3 schools and as much as Florida/Miami sounds amazing, I think those two will be my last choices. (Took me long time to finally make up my mind about that because of how bad I want to play rugby for The Rattlers So I think the decision is now

1. Oklahoma
2. Oho State
3. Texas A&M/Kentucky
4. Maryland
5. Florida
6. UMiami

What I'm going to do also is look at places with cooler temperature (up north and maybe even in CO) and if that means I have to go with any of my back up majors, so be it. Really hoping I can stick with this major though.

For those who are wondering here are my planned majors in order:
Plan A: Kinesiology
Plan B: Criminology and History (Double Major or Majoring/Minoring)
Plan C: Sports Management/Medicine
Plan D: Economics and Finance (Double Major or Majoring/Minoring)
Plan E: Aerospace/Electrical/Mechanical Engineering (Just one Engineering, in that order of choice)

So all that should keep me busy for awhile, between that and school and so on.

For my online friends (TS people, Twitter, and others that I talk to online) this is a heads up that I'm going to be pretty busy with school, college stuff and of course, Mom's going to give birth soon to my little sister. So really, I'll still be online but just not as much. I'll try to update either my Twitter and/or blog as often as I can. So If I don't get online or you don't seem me around Twitter/TS/Blog or even online, don't worry, I'm good, I'm just busy.

If there is really something going on, you guys would eventually know. Whether it's good or bad. So really, please don't worry about me. I'll be fine, really :)

That Feeling

Right now I am at a lost for words.

Right now, I got this huge grin on my face because...

Right now, that feeling is back.

Yes it's true I'm still having a bad days (it'll be a roller coaster ride for the rest of the month) but right now, I got the best feeling I've got in a LONG time. A great feeling that I just might shed tears of joy over.

As nerve racking it is to talk to sports scouts, anyone of any sport can tell you the excitement of it. Maybe it's the feeling of growing up, of planning and negotiating your way through your life and future. But that feeling, is truly truly amazing.

And right now, I'm getting that feeling. A simple tweet from a stranger made my day that much better.

RattlersRugby @QKnuckles Hey Matt, we were checking out ur tweets, how about applying to UMiami and coming to play quadrugby for www.rattlersrugby.org ?!

South Florida Rattlers Rugby

After reading that, my jaw dropped, I couldn't stop grinning and the rush is still there. The excitement, the hope, it all brought me back to before I was hurt. Just that feeling...

Wow I can't even put it in words. I can't even tell you how excited I am. I'm excited, I really really am. If you follow me at my Twitter, you'll know that I've been looking into colleges. And after much talk with Mom, the list is finally down to six: University of Florida, Ohio State, University of Kentucky, Texas A&M, University of Maryland, and University of Oklahoma.

And after that tweet...I'm adding University of Miami to the list. I don't know how long this excitement is going to last. I don't know how long this rush is going to last. BUT I'll make the best of it right now.

Thanks to the guys over at Rattlers for making this month that much better.
Up next: applying to UMiami :D

Feel Like Writing...

After waking up at 0500 with 5-6 hours of sleep…I realized this is the longest I’ve slept in a long time. (I know what you’re thinking "What? 5-6 hours, only?!?" but really it’s good hours for me considering the number of hours I've slept total just this week.) I'm not exactly sure why I slept that long (maybe it was cuz of practice or maybe it was from recent lack of sleep.) but I felt like I slept for days when I woke up. I even went out and ran a couple miles, it was a great morning indeed.

Tennis practice was canceled due to bad weather and now I feel like writing so be warned, this may be a long post.

First order of business: Can't tell you guys how much both my family and I appreciate everyone who have been asking about Sean, checking up on him, and even send him get well cards to cheer him up (Thanks Brooke! :D) As you guys may or may not know, Sean’s surgery was on the 5th, after leaving ICU and back to his regular rooms on the 9th, he once again start on his 6 weeks chemotherapy treatments on the 10th (and yes, radiation will come later). With the start of tennis practice yesterday and school starting in less than two days, I feel as if I'm letting Sean down. The "I'll be back, be good" I said to him a couple weeks ago is still on my mind. This is a time when I wish I live closer to the hospital just so I can visit him. Since the hospital is two hours drive away (one-way) from post, visiting him on weekdays just seem impossible. Hopefully I can work out some schedule for weekend visits and truly hope he doesn't "hate" me for not showing up if I can't. So once again thank you guys for the prayers, the good thoughts, and good mojo for Sean, my family and I truly appreciate it!

With the PCS, summer homework, and Sean…I never really had the time to think how many days of summer I got left, true I keep a countdown clock (yes I know I'm a nerd) I never really paid attention. Two nights ago, for some reason, I decided to expand my college search. I was looking at both different majors for the colleges already on my list and even other colleges I can add to the list. That's when I realized…school is starting soon and that means, I'm a senior. Strangely just four years ago I was wondering when I’m going to graduate and get out of this "hell hole" and now with only a year left, I am wishing for time to slow down.

Unlike my civilian friends, I didn't attend one single high school and though making friends over and over again can be quite difficult, I found "fun" in this "challenge" and while looking at colleges, I'm thinking about my friends I made back in Freshman, Sophomore, and even Junior year. I'm wondering if they're doing the same and if they all miss the same thing I am missing; if they all wish for the same thing, for time to slow down so we all can cherish this one last time. Because really, before we know it, they'll be calling our names on graduation day and I bet we all would wish for time to turn back.

Strange how my brain works…

Back to the college list, I've extended my college list by one, adding University of Kentucky to the original list (University of Memphis, Ohio State, University of Florida, University of Colorado at Colorado Springs, and University of Colorado at Denver) and yes, Memphis, Ohio State, and Florida are still my top three. I've also extended the possible majors for the "just in case" of life. On top of Criminal Justice (which is what I want to major in) I’ve added these to the list: Systems Analysis Engineering (only available at Memphis), Language and Linguistics, Electrical Engineering, Disability Studies and Rehabilitation Services (only available at Memphis), Economics, and History. Guess you can never prep too hard for the "maybes" in life. Hopefully I'll actually stick with Criminal Justice till my senior year of college, but hey who knows right?

School starts in less than two days and yes I finished my summer work and reading extra books but really can't help but scream "SCHOOL’S STARTING" inside my head, call me a nerd but I truly, truly enjoy school. Maybe it's because of the people I get to meet, the classes I'm about to take, or just sort of a "distraction" from all the things going on in life. But really, I enjoy school, a lot. People have always thought I'm weird when I tell them I like school, but if you roll a mile in my wheels (made me laugh that I typed that without thinking) you'd know school can be a good "distraction" when your parent(s) is deployed. Both distraction and stress I guess…guess you can’t "win" at this game.

But at the same time, starting school brings back painful memories that I live with on a daily basis. The start of school reminds me of how excited I was starting football how I would find all the tapes possible and watch them for hours just so I can learn something from the players. Starting school means fall is arriving and that means football season is starting. And that brings me back to the day I got hurt. Don’t think I don't love football, I do, but that doesn't mean I don't wonder what life would be like if I never rushed the yards that evening. September 25th will be the third anniversary of my injury. They say the first three years is the hardest…and boy I truly hope they're right. I’m proud of my wheels, I'm glad I got a second chance yet…the day, the incident still brings me nightmares. Nightmares like you wouldn't believe.

Anyways, I’m done writing for now, lost my train of thought thinking about THE date.
Shall write more later on.

Another side to the brat life

This is the second day I got woke up by Mom after having gone to bed. She had some strange cravings that must be conquered at this early in the morning and well now I can't sleep.

So I got thinking and the more things I thought about the more shit I'm wondering about the other side to this brat life.

As I wrote before, when I was a kid, everything seems so perfect, even with the moving around and Dad gone all the time. In fact, I think that's how all kids are, young, innocent, and don't got a single worry on their mind. But when we reach a certain age we start to wonder and questions start to form. The series of questions are probably and most likely started off with, "Where is Daddy/Mommy going?"

Then we get older, we continue to ask our questions but at the same time, we're making statements. "My Dad is fighting the bad guys, is your Mommy or Daddy doing the same thing too?" or something of the sort. And before we know it, we're in junior high and high school and finally realize some extreme difficult questions we might have to face. Some questions like, "If Dad does not make it back home, what will happen to Mom and me? What do I have to do to keep Mom strong?" and so forth.

And just as the questions start to form, so does our responsibilities. From the time we are born, we are surrounded by the idea of "Army" or any other branches. As a kid we do what we do best, being a kid and do what we want to do when we want to. (as long as it's following the rules of course) And as we get older, we will one day realize the greater responsibilities when one or sometimes both our parents are deployed.

Stuff like laundry, school, chores and other simple tasks will mostly feel like you're building a pyramid on your own. With one or both of your parents gone makes it that much difficult. And while you're seeing your friends loosing their parents, in the back of your mind you are hoping you will never get that phone call or never get that knock on the door. Trust me, that makes chores that much harder.

Lately I haven't had the mind to write anything and trust me that can't be a good thing with AP testing just a week away. I'm taking US History AP test which means the DBQs -Document Based Questions- if you've taken the test you'll know what I mean. When Mom told me that we have to move again during the summer, it felt like my world is coming apart. Part from school, I was hanging the moving processes, studying for the AP test, and on top of it, worry about my social life and what will happen after I move. While most juniors are worrying about college, I am thinking about the rest of my junior year, my friends here and now, college, moving, going through the list of things to do, my senior year and so much more. It was only a matter of time when all this will stack up and bite me where the sun don't shine.

And it did.

Life got caught up with me and without knowing it I didn't have time to think about what I need to do. I went on autopilot and almost end up killing myself. (Long story short, I forgot to use the bathroom at the time I was supposed to and end up blocking the catheter and it turned out to be a mess and that lead me to getting to the ER.)

School, living this life, college, life at home all added up to almost forgetting myself and killing myself. I wonder now if this is healthy. I can't help it, I put people before me. I put my family before me and as soon as I knew about the move, I had to make sure everything will go as smoothly as it can go. And yet, I realize I must take care of myself because without me, my mom, my Dad, this entire system would fail. And I am doing my best now to keep myself healthy and in the same time, get things done.

Going back to what I was saying earlier, I got woke up again for the two night in a row. Why? A couple days ago, I was told by my Mom that she is pregnant and though she would have told me earlier, she wanted to talk to my Dad first. After so long, she finally had the chance to tell me that soon, I will no longer be an only child, I would have to be a big brother for the newborn.

Just like that, I went from a high school junior to being a Dad. I took the liberty of what my Dad would normally be doing and put it on my shoulders. From looking at baby items to full filling Mom's late night cravings. She's eating for two now and me, I am working for four: Dad, Mom, my younger sibling, and of course, me.

Meanwhile some kids are complaining about the worries of applying to colleges. What is wrong with that picture...

I have never thought the idea of being a big brother would be so difficult. As I lay in bed, I couldn't help but wonder what the later years would be like. What would it be like when my younger brother or sister finally ask the ultimate question. "What happened to Matt, why can't he walk? Why can't his fingers move like mine?" What would I answer...how would I explain everything.

Just the idea of holding a baby in my arms scares me. What if I drop the baby, what happens when I can't even hold on tight enough and loose grip? Really...I am not ready to be a big brother, not at all.

And at this point, with everything going on, I am not sure if I can do anything right at all.

Welcome to the true brat life Matt...no more innocent and carefree days.
Welcome to the Army.