Week of August 29th, 2010

This week I found myself listen to this song over and over again.
Have a listen.

Week of August 22nd, 2010

Recently through a friend's suggestion (Thanks Eve), I listened to a Norwegian electronic music duo called Röyksopp. After hearing Only This Moment from their album The Understanding, I got hooked. I started exploring their other albums and discovered this song from their album Melody A.M.

This week, enjoy Röyksopp's Eple!
Thanks Eve for introducing me to this duo!

Note: This is a Live version of Eple that's performed in 2009. Personally I think it's even more amazing than the album version.

She Misses Her Too

After hours of trying to put Sarah to bed, I finally got her to fall asleep.

I was so sure that Sarah was full of excitement because she stood up by herself today. She grabbed onto my wheel and with a push, she stood up. All on her own. I was (and still am) proud of her. She's growing up so fast and exploring the world around her.

So when she sat in my lap and didn't fell asleep, I thought she was just still too excited to sleep. I didn't think Sarah would miss Mom. I just didn't even think that was possible.

Or maybe I was naïve.

As a last resort I played one of the bedtime stories that Mom had recorded and I put Sarah right in my parents bed and lay right next to her. Within minutes, she felt asleep.

I guess she just needed to hear Mom's voice and be in my parents bed.
I didn't think Sarah would know Mom when she only knew Mom for 4 some months.
I didn't think Sarah would remember Mom.
I didn't think Sarah would miss Mom.

But I was wrong.
She misses her too.

She misses you too Mama. She's missing you too.
I love you, Mama.

When does This Grieve End?!

For the past nights, my mind and myself have been sinking into a deeper hole. This ain't me and this ain't how I want to act but I can't get myself out of this hole.

During the day when I'm out and about, I'm usually fine. Maybe because I'm busy focusing my days ahead or maybe I'm digging a deeper hole than I am realizing.

At night is when the mind moves and the memories slowly become taunting images and flashbacks like there's no tomorrow.

I heard a friend talking to her Mom. Her voice and the way she talks to her Mom reminded me of myself years ago. I can see it in my mind the younger me talking to Mom with a smile. I can hear Mom's gentle voice, I can hear her laugh. But it's all #*%&ing memories. I find myself full of of hate and at times tears filled eyes because of the things I couldn't do. The full hatred for cancer, for myself, and for whoever is responsible for putting cancer on this planet. I physically hurt and can feel the massive pain. Why is this a daily struggle, I'm not sure but I hate it. I miss my Mom, my hero, the one who brought me to this planet.

I'm sick of crying.

I often sit in Skype calls with my friends and not speak of any words. I listen while friends wondered why I don't ever talk. I listen more often because while hearing their laughs and conversation, my imagination grows as if everything's normal and that there is no one trouble in the world. But at the same time, listening hurts like no other. Simply because I know some laughter are there to cover the pain. We all have our own pains but in ways we all pretend laughing it off will solve everything.

God I sound *%^&ing emo.

Someone once told me, "you cover it so well, but I can see and hear your pain through your laughter, your words, and that 'smile' of yours. I wish I can do something for you Matt, please take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself."

Is it that *%^&ing obvious.

I like Skyping or hearing her talk. Because she speaks so freely and she reminds me so much of Mom and Nicole. I like IMing or texting her because her personality shines through like no other. Of everything, she reminds me of Mom. And in ways it brings comfort and in ways in bring pain of the empty bedroom down the hallway. I hear her and it's like hearing Mom again.

What I would do to really hear Mom's voice again. What I would do to see her making breakfast or for the chance for me to make breakfast for her. What I would give to hold her hands and hug her once more.

When does this grieve end, someone please tell me.
I am so sick of crying and grieving.

Mama, help, please.
I need help, Mama.

Week of August 15th, 2010

This week's Weekly Tunes is brought to you by my good friend, Anthony. You can follow him on Twitter- AnthonyMonroe

Thanks Mr. Anthony!
Enjoy Sara Smile by Hall & Oats

Live version from 1982! Way before I was born!

Wordless Wednesday

She's adorable when she's exhausted.
I got four days with her, we're making the best of it.

Sunday Hangout

Yesterday while I was waiting for Tiania at our meet up place, I saw a couple in their 60s or even possibility 70s. As I rolled by 'em, they were talking in a language I didn't recognize but I could tell they are madly in love. They talked, smiled, laughed, and even kissed.

For some reason, I couldn't help myself but smiled. I guess it's those things in life you smile and thank God for.

I bumped into someone in a chair while I was crossing the street. He saw my chair and I saw his and we both said, at the same time, "Nice chair." We went into the same coffee shop then talked about our chairs and our injuries like we've known each other since rehab. He was a complete stranger but funny how "close" you get with a stranger when you both have some things in common.

While Tiania was stuck in traffic, I rolled around downtown and saw this couple that are around my parents age. They were enjoying their lunch together and just one glance at 'em reminded me of my parents. I wondered what my parents would be doing on date night if Dad wasn't on a mission and if Mom was still here today. I wondered what they'd say to each other. And for that moment, I felt a pain coming from my heart.

I hurt for my parents. For the number of dates they were able to go on in the past and the number of dates they won't be able to go on in the future. I hurt for 'em, knowing that no distance can break their love for each other but it is also this distance between Heaven and Earth that's breaking both their hearts. And that makes me wish I can take Mom's place.

I said a quick prayer for Dad's safe return from his mission and thanked God for taking care of Mom and Sean. I prayed that they are both flying freely in Heaven and asked God to continue to bless our family. Mom always said, "Everything, EVERYTHING, is a blessing in disguise."

The rest of the day was pretty good, Tiania and I hung out and talked about our summer and caught up with each others life. We stopped by the Apple Store and talked about Macbooks, iMacs, iPods and even iPads. I told her about my wants and needs list and she told me about her wants of moving out of her parents' place. And of course we talked about college and how much we both miss high school.

We had pizza for lunch, ice cream, and sushi for dinner. It was good catching up with a friend from high school. A good day for the most part and extra good when Tiania told me she knows yesterday wasn't a date. Which is good because I don't need her thinking it was and have her end up kissing me or something. It sure wouldn't be fun explaining that to Nicole!


How was you guys' weekend?

Week of August 8th, 2010

Yesterday I decided to take a trip with Sarah in honor and memory of Mom. One of the many special thing I used to do with Mom is just to take a random trips. Trips where there is no particular destination. We just drive and stop when we wanted to and stop when we discover a place that's cool or places that's just Heaven on Earth and undiscovered by the majority of the population.

Sarah and I took that trip today. Needless to say we stop by the mall and the Apple Store (Again, I got hooked on the iPad they had on display) so I can get new headphones but we took the trip and found an amazing place that is truly Heaven on Earth and that was when I decided to keep this secret place between Sarah and myself. And when Dad gets home, we can make this our family secret spot.

On the way home, I thought of Mom and Dad. I've always looked up to 'em for guidance and need but slowly I realized I am learning more from them than I initially believed. I see the love and relationship between 'em that can not be broken by deployments, sickness, or even death. And not too long ago, I vouched for myself to do the same in the future.

This song reminds me of my parents' love for each other. No matter the time, no matter the distance, I have a feeling they'll love each other till the day after forever. And I also have a feeling this is what Mom said to Dad when they last talked.

Oooh if our maker calls and takes me,
And leaves you here alone,
Don't be sad because I'm not that far away,
Once again hand in hand we'll walk the far side of the moon,
I look forward to lookin' back with you,
Oh baby,
I look forward to lookin' back with you.


Craig Morgan's Lookin' Back With You

I love you Mama

Observation: An Insight Into Today's Youth

An Insight Into Today's Youth

One weekend I had the privilege to be invited to a swimming pool and BBQ party. Privilege in ways I didn't think of until after the fact. I was asked to help with one of the most if not the most important job at the party. I was to sit by the pool and make sure the kids at the party were safe. By agreeing to help the hosting family, I would receive free food and beverages. You can say that it was more or less life guard duty but that night, I realized it was more. Through this event, I had the opportunity to observe the minds, the conversations, and acts of today's youth. I set out on a small adventure trying to discover how today's youth act and how today's world may affect their thinking process.

This group of grade school kids ranges from 5 years old all the way to their early teens. Majority of the kids knew each other since pre-school. And though some are siblings, this is a close group of friends, even amongst the parents. They also share something that no ordinary grade-school children share. They all knew a true and dear friend that lost his battle to cancer just three short years ago. And though this loss, they learned to lean on each other for comfort and at the same time, learned to share fund memories of Matthew as a way of finding comfort.

Majority of party the kids played with the water balloons, played in the pool and ate like there is no tomorrow. They laughed and joked with each other and even grouped together to "gang" up on a friend by teasing him and blocking him away from their games.

These activities I have seen before and thus no news for me. As the last few hours of the party edge closer and closer, I noticed that the older kids (mostly going to junior high school) separated themselves from the younger kids. They settled in the jacuzzi and in ways avoided the younger kids as they began conversing about their classmates and fund memories of Matthew. I listened in and slowly recognized the hurt of losing a dear friend may not always be visible but through the words, I can hear the pain from a kid I have never seen or met before.

Soon, their conversation carried from classmates to school. I grew interest and moved closer to the jacuzzi, simply because I know many things have changed since I was at their age. I was interested in how the conversation differs between me and my friends back then and now. As each of the kids voice their opinions of the new school year and grade, B suggested, or rather, informed the group that, "Did you know that if you're in a sport team in high school, you get less homework?"

I paused and wondered what could possibility be going through B's mind when he said that sentence to his friends. Have rumors and the wondering minds confuse the younger generation How does he retain his information and from whom was the sources? It was then I couldn't help myself but interrupted their conversation.

I stated, "I'd like to know which high school that is and why I didn't attend that high school."

The boy quickly responded with a random local high school name. Consequently, I graduated from that same school. So as he went on to try and justify his statement, I shook my head and told him the truth, "I graduated from that high school. And no they don't give you less homework. They give you the same amount of homework as others and you have to learn time management. If you don't, then it'll seem like you have more homework than your friends who are not playing a sport. They won't give you less homework simply because you play on the baseball team."

B stared at me and with a much delayed paused, he said, "Well I think schools in Japan are all like that or something since baseball is so big there."

The rest of the kids stared at me for a few seconds before going back conversing about school. I continued listened in while the conversation slowly carried from school to technology. It was then I realized that majority of the kids today live in a bubble. Kids may differ depending on where in the world they live in or whether or not they are civilians or military brats. But overall, majority of the kids today surely do live in a bubble. A bubble made out of technology, gadgets, and today's high tech society. Years ago, there were no such thing as cell phones. Years ago, I didn't know what the internet or the computer is. I had no clue of the technology around me, simply because there weren't that many high tech news in the world. Today, kids speak of technology daily. From iPods to computers to the internet. Today, every kid talks about technology like it's the back of their hands.

After several minutes of conversing about the technology around them. B, who I believe is going to 7th grade started again, "If you don't have e-mail, well then you're just lame."

That caught my attention. Growing up where the idea of an electronic mail sounds absurd, today's youth have qualified those without e-mails as "lame". My interest grew. I wanted to find out about youth's relationship with today's technology so listened in. Their conversations were about everything Google. From Gmail to GTalk. And with their conversation, I've discovered that they knew mostly what I knew about Gmail. Only difference was they seem to be born with such knowledge and I had to learn it myself. As the conversation carried, I wondered about each of their lives. I wondered whether or not what they truly know about technologies differs from whey are telling and sharing. I wondered how each of them would function without such technology and wondered if today's youth are truly that dependent on the technology that surrounds them.

Mostly, I wondered how much their minds would crumble at the sound and happenings of no technology around them. Simple things like looking up information by hand rather than Google just might seem "impossible" to today's generation. Simple things like finding a restaurant's information without an iPhone seems ridiculous. At my age and my knowledge of the technology past, I suddenly felt extremely old and out-of-date. I also felt some stupidity flowing through my veins because my lack of knowledge when I was the same age as the kids.

After the party, I decided to stay after and help the host family clean up the house. After inviting me to join them for dinner, I told the hosting family of my encounter with the kids. I told them of what I observed and the words that young B said about high school and technology. The hosting family agreed with me that he and a lot of the kids today live in a bubble. A bubble made out of technology and high tech gadgets. B is an exceptional example of this bubble, at his age, he already owns an iPod Touch, an iPhone, PS3, 2 computers, and 1 laptop.

I left the hosting family's house after dinner with a heavy mind. As I got home, I thought about today's youth and the observations I made that day. I then realized that the day was a privilege. I not only had free food and beverages, I learned and received much more. This party gave me the opportunity to observe the minds and today's youth ways. Surrounded by technology, I discovered that youth today are more isolated than ever before. Some may agree that technology simplifies life, but in ways, it is altering the youths like never before.

Whether not that is a good thing, we will just have to wait and see.

An Insight Into Today's Youth is © 2010 QKnckles
Contact Knuckles if you'd like to guest write something.

Week of August 1st, 2010

Can't believe it's already August, wow 2010 is going by really fast!

Anyways, I first heard this song on the radio and the station was talking about Mr. Kenny Chesney's new single The Boys of Fall and when the album might be released.

I heard the song and froze. Froze because this song reminded me of me. This song reminded me of what I constantly call "life". This song reminded me of something that I hold close and dear, football.

I wrote an e-mail (but don't know how to send it) to Mr. Kenny Chesney explaining my love for football and my gratitude for him for writing this song. I've never had a song that represents me so well. Truly amazing song. If you know anyways I can send this e-mail/letter to Mr. Chesney, please let me know, I would love for him to read it. Also be sure to watch ESPN on Monday- August 2nd, for a premiere video of this song.

Now let's enjoy this song
Kenny Chesney- The Boys of Fall