Thursday, March 11, 2010

Becoming Someone I Don't Want to Be

Awhile ago, I was talking Army with my good friend Edmin. I learned that he is off to to OSUT soon (or he's probably already there by now) and I told him that Nicole is going to OSUT too, just not on the same post nor the same MOS. He didn't know about Nicole and after I told him about the relationship Nicole and I have, he asked me:

"Aren't you worry about you and Nicole? Aren't you guys just starting your relationship?"

He was right, Nicole and I just started our relationship and when Edmin and I talked, Nicole and I were together for about a couple weeks. I thought about the question he asked me then told him that I'm not worried, that I trust Nicole and hopefully, she trusts me. I know in OSUT Nicole won't have a lot of time to goof off if even if she she wants to so truly, I'm not worried. As for me, I can tell you that I am not a person to mess around when I'm in a relationship with someone. Yes, people make mistakes, but this is a mistake I WON'T make.

Edmin and I then went on to talk about the Army life. And then, out of nowhere, I realized, that though Nicole is going to OSUT, it feels as if I'M going to OSUT. Whenever we talk, I'm telling her about OSUT, I'm telling her about the Army (even though she was practically born with combat boots on her feet) and so much more. And like the perfect girl, Nicole never disagrees nor have she ever tell me to stop talking about it.

I can remember years ago, looking at some of my friends' parents (not going to point fingers but I'm sure we all know those kind of parents) I made myself a promise that whenever I'm a parent, I won't EVER make my kids do what I wanted to do as a kid. I won't ever MAKE 'em play football, or MAKE 'em take piano lessons, but instead, to encourage 'em of what's out there and encourage 'em to spread their wings and explore the world. I promised myself that I will never force 'em to enlist just because I couldn't.

But subconsciously, I'm doing it right now. Subconsciously, I'm pushing and edging things onto Nicole and just finally realized what I was doing. And again, like the perfect girl she is, Nicole didn't disagree or argue about this fact but just listened to me talk. Like I'm pressing my dreams onto her. I'm becoming someone I don't want to be.

I'm sorry Sweetheart for doing that, I just realized what I'm doing. And I'm sorry.

Why, I'm not sure. How, subconsciously. What for, because I miss that life. I miss aiming for something I know I can achieve. And looking at my friends all leaving for basic or OSUT is making me wish I can tag along with 'em. I wish I got my orders to ship out and going away for how many weeks it takes to make me part of something greater than I am.

Guess we all can wish.

Let's just hope I can break this "habit" before I become a Dad. Because truly, I'd hate to turn into a Dad that I hate and don't want to be.

Forgive me Sweetheart, I'll try not to be pushy and edgy anymore. And cherish the time we have before you leave for OSUT.

People have been asking me how I'm doing and how we, as a family, are doing. Me, I'm doing alright between the stress of school, of awaiting college acceptance letters, and finishing up Senior year with something better than an "C". We, as a family, are doing alright also I guess. Still got a lot of things going on right now but still loads of laugh in the family. We're doing the best we can and just cherishing the time and so forth. Thank you everyone for checking in and see how we're doing. Again, we're all doing as alright as we can be.

Now back to working on the research papers (yes I know, I'm a Senior and got more research paper than a freaking Sophomore, lame) Procrastination is catching up to me!


RP said...

Hi Matt :)
Feels good to know that you and everyone in the family are doing well , May your joys increase manifold :)
I really appreciate you supporting and encouraging Nicole through this period and i believe it will definitly strengthen your relationship even more! Everything will turn out to be great for both of you i am sure:)
Wishing you the very best for your research papers, your search for a good college and for everthing in general! Please convey my best wishes to Nicole as well :)
Take good care
Best regards

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